A Second Chance at Happiness
by Catherine4
Summary: 10 years from now, a social worker turns up looking for Halstead. Camila Vega has died and nothing will ever be the same for the detective again. Can Jay pull his life together to care for the 9 year old daughter he never knew he had?
1. Chapter 1

_Hi everyone. Firstly, I want to say thank you for taking an interest in my new story, I hope you like it. Secondly, I really like Halstead and Upton as a partnership and enjoy their scenes together. I don't ship them as a romantic couple but I wanted her to have a big part in this story. I hope the way I've chosen to do that works for everyone. If you like, you can read my one-shot 'Bourbon and Friendship' first, but it's not necessary. Thirdly, not all the Intelligence unit that we know and love will appear in this story. Please forgive me? Finally, if you have any feedback I would really appreciate it. Characters aren't mine, I just had an idea and ran with it._

 _That's quite enough disclaimer. Happy reading!_

 **A SECOND CHANCE AT HAPPINESS**

Chapter 1

Halstead knocked on the door of his sergeant's office at 8am sharp on Monday morning with the doctor's envelope clutched in his hands to begin the most excruciating 5 minutes of his week.

"Come in."

Antonio Dawson looked up from the case report he was scanning and smiled sheepishly when he saw it was Jay. He closed the file and put it back on the ever-growing pile on the corner of his desk. "Have a seat."

Jay sat down on the other side of the desk feeling like a naughty kid who had been sent to the Principal's office. He handed the envelope over and folded his arms awkwardly. He couldn't look at Antonio's face as he scanned the contents of the letter, even though he knew there was nothing incriminating on the tox report. To go through this humiliation every Monday morning with the man who was not only his boss but one of his best friends was unbearable but necessary.

"Alright" Antonio said when he had finished. He was upbeat as he folded the single sheet back up again and put it in his desk drawer. "I'm sorry man, I wish we didn't have to go through this. It's not me, it's the powers higher up, they insisted on weekly drugs tests until they're satisfied you…"

"I know." Jay cut him off. "I'm sorry. Thank you."

"Six more weeks" Antonio offered with a smile. "That's all. Are you still going to your NA meetings?"

Jay nodded. "3 months sober" he said.

"That's great. And how is everything else?"

Jay shrugged and shifted position in his seat. "Well, my marriage is still over. But I've not been fired yet and I still have a place to live so I'm choosing to look on the bright side."

"Everything will work out" Dawson offered, but he didn't really expect Halstead to believe his words. He saw the sceptical look on his colleague's face. "Hailey might not take you back, but everything will be okay. One way or the other." Antonio was thinking of his own failed marriage. He remembered how it felt, to see the life you thought you were going to have slip away from you, but he had found love again and had a new family so felt he could say with some authority that things happen for a reason.

Jay nodded. He didn't really believe that what Antonio was saying would apply to him but nodded anyway. "Can I go?" he asked. He was desperate to get out of there.

"Of course. Have you finished your report from the stash house case?"

"Almost" Halstead said, relieved to be back on the topic of work. "I'll have it on your desk by lunch time."

He left the office, closing the door behind him and made his way to the break room for his third cup of coffee of the day. He watched the pot brew thinking vaguely that he should probably cut down on his caffeine intake, that was probably part of the reason he was having such trouble sleeping. Replacing one addiction with another was not exactly the best life choice he could make, but he needed something. His shoulder throbbed, but he was so used to it now he couldn't remember a time when it didn't hurt. But whether the pain was physical or just in his head he didn't know anymore. Every second of every day he wanted to swallow and handful of pain pills to make it go away, but if he wanted to keep his job, that couldn't happen.

"Good morning."

The quiet greeting brought Jay back out of his thoughts and he looked up to see Upton walking slowly into the room towards him.

"Morning."

"Is there coffee?"

"Almost."

He hated this, the awkward small talk. Everything used to be so easy between them. His aching shoulder was a bitter reminder of the moment everything changed and his marriage started to unravel. It was his fault, he pulled away when he didn't want to admit he had a problem and it had cost him deeply. Seeing Hailey every day simultaneously gave him life and twisted his insides into a tangled knot. They had separated nearly ten months ago but Jay was not ready to let go.

She was standing beside him now reaching into the cupboard for a mug. His gazed lingered on her. The fact she was so close and he couldn't touch her killed him.

"I heard Atwater's CI gave him a tip off about a major drug shipment last night." Upton made small talk, oblivious to the fact Jay was watching her. When she retrieved her mug and looked at Halstead and the look of longing on his face she sighed. "Jay, what are you doing?"

He didn't have anything to say. He just smiled sadly.

Jay wasn't the only one hurting, and the look he gave her brought tears to Hailey's eyes. It was so complicated. The situation and their feelings. Because there were still feelings there, not of anger but of love. It would almost be easier if there weren't. "Are you looking after yourself?" she asked. "Going to meetings?"

"Yes. I am. I'm going to beat this Hailey, I will."

"I know." Upton reached out to squeeze Halstead's arm but thought better of it. Her hand paused mid-air and she retracted it slowly.

They heard voices from the main office and were thankful for the excuse to break the moment. The coffee was made and Jay poured out two mugs, adding one single sweetener and no milk to hers, just the way he knew she liked it.

A phone rang and Danny answered it just as they walked by his desk. He raised a hand in greeting as he lifted the receiver, and a familiar look of concentration settle on his face as he answered. "This is Detective Daniel McDonald…"

Kevin was standing in front of the evidence board furiously scribbling names down with a black marker pen, and the two younger officers in the unit sat causally around the same desk, the remnants of their breakfast in a pile between them.

Jay settled down at his own desk waiting for the briefing to start and tried to gather the energy for another days work. Dawson emerged from his office as Danny hung up the phone and everyone snapped to attention. "Morning everyone" he said, striding to the front of the room all business. "Atwater, what have we got?"

Atwater briefed the team on the intel he had from his source. Jay was listening, but he was also looking at Hailey where she was perched on the edge of a desk biting the sleeve of her sweater. Once upon a time Halstead had teased her about it, but he found it endearing. Usually the typical no-nonsense Chicago cop, he told her it was cute and she'd hit him playfully, laughing. That was a lifetime ago, but the memories were still there.

Kevin finished and handed over to Dawson to give assignments. "Ok, Atwater, take Lincoln and go and see if your CI has any more information we can use."

Officer Eve Lincoln, a petite brunette who was a lot tougher than she looked, threw her bagel wrapper in the trash can and grabbed her coat.

"Upton and Grant, head to the bar across from the garage and see if they have any surveillance cameras that might have caught something."

Upton nodded and drained her mug. She was half-way to the top of the stairs when she stopped and turned to the most junior member of the unit who was busy fussing with his boot laces. "Callum" she said sharply, and the young blonde officer, always eager to please, or rather to not piss anyone off, jumped to attention and followed her down the stairs.

"Halstead, you're will me. I've got a contact of my own who I have a feeling might know something about this."

The phone rang again and Danny sighed loudly. "Am I the office secretary now?" He ran his hand through his thick, greying hair and picked up the receiver. "Mac" was all the caller got this time in gruff voice by way of a greeting.

Jay zipped up his jacket, ready to brave the January Chicago air.

"Sarge, that was the front desk. There's someone here from social services for Halstead." Danny said something else into the phone and hung up.

Jay's brow furrowed momentarily, but he reasoned that this was probably something to do with his last case and was not unduly worried. The couple they'd arrested had a two year old boy who had been taken into emergency custody while the authorities tracked down a family member.

"Alright" Antonio said. "Danny, you can come with me. Halstead, I'll fill you in when we get back."

Jay was left alone in the office and he unzipped his jacket again, slinging it over the back of his chair. He heard the buzz of the security door as the last of his colleagues left the office, and then the soft clip of high heeled shoes as one person ascended the stairs.

"Hi Diane" Jay greeted the social worker as she emerged into the room. "There's fresh coffee."

"Morning" Dianne said. "That would be great." She sounded sheepish, a far cry from her usual confident manner.

"Is this about the same case we spoke about on Friday?"

"No."

Jay lead the way into the break room and busied himself pouring her a mug of coffee. The chair legs scraped across the linoleum as Diane sat down at the table. When Halstead turned back from the counter, he was struck by the serious look on her face.

"What's the matter?" He asked, but he was still not overly concerned. He was used to bureaucracy delaying documents he had requested for his case file and was prepared for this news, but Diane paused for too long that he knew that this was something else.

"Detective Halstead, you should sit down." Jay obeyed, a funny feeling rising in his stomach. "I'm not here about that case. I'm not here about any case in fact. This visit is personal."

She reached into her handbag for a brown manila envelope and placed it on the table in front of her. "There's no easy way to break this news. It will be a shock so I want you to prepare yourself."

Jay gulped. When someone said words like that to you, how were you supposed to react? He didn't say a word, just watched the woman sat opposite him expectantly, waiting for her to continue. "Do you know the name Camila Vega?"

Jay's stomach dropped. He hadn't heard that name in ten years and never thought he would hear it again. He nodded. "Yeah, I knew her."

The social worker nodded. "Miss Vega died two weeks ago from stomach cancer. She left a letter for you in her will." Diane took a white envelope from the larger brown one but didn't hand it to Jay just yet. Jay eyed the innocent looking piece of paper and wondered why it was a social worker and not a lawyer bringing him this, not to mention why it was his at all.

"What's this got to do with me?" Halstead asked. He sounded more defensive than he meant to. He was sorry for Camila's passing, but that period in his life was one he would rather forget.

"I'm told the letter explains everything in detail" she said. "You should read it when you're alone. Miss Vega left a daughter behind. Her name is Mariella and she's 9 years old."

A tight feeling gripped Jay's chest and his brain started firing thoughts at him more rapidly than he could process them. Was she telling him what he thought she was?

"Her lawyer produced a signed testimony from her written a week before her death that states you are Mariella's father and she wished, upon her death, for you to take custody of her."

This was too much, Jay pushed his chair away from the table and stood up without really knowing what he was doing.

Diane watched him. "I take it from your reaction that you had no idea that this child existed?"

Jay began pacing the room, adrenaline pumping through his body. "None at all" he said in a panicked voice. "Why didn't Camila tell me?"

Diane wasn't able to answer that question and Jay knew it. He stopped. "When's her birthday?"

Diane pulled from papers from the envelope and consulted her documents. "September 2nd 2018" she replied.

Jay just shook his head in disbelief, realising quickly that the dates added up.

Cautiously, the social worker watched Halstead and his reaction and after a while calmly suggested he sit back down. He did so, but couldn't relax. "Where is she now?" Jay asked.

"Phoenix, Arizona. She's currently staying with Miss Vega's aunt, Mrs Maria Vega, the wife of her paternal uncle. She has agreed to abide by her niece's wishes for Mariella under a few conditions." Diane slid a slip of paper across the table to Jay. "She passed on her number. She wants to talk to you to make arrangements." She was all business, as Jay was used to from working with the woman in the past. He usually found her efficiency reassuring but right now it was somewhat off-putting. Diane ordered her documents and looked up at Jay. "Here's a copy of the birth certificate, the letter addressed to you, and my card. Take some time, it's a lot to process. Give me a call when you're ready and we will go from there."

"What happens now?" Jay recovered his wits sufficiently to realise there were practical questions he should be asking. He felt strangely as though he was asking on behalf of someone else. It didn't feel as if any of this applied to him.

"That's really up to you. If you feel this isn't something you can do, Mrs Vega is happy to keep custody of Mariella. If you decide you want to pursue this…"

"No" Jay said quickly, but then back tracked. "I mean, of course I want to."

"Ok. Good. I'll leave you to wrap your head around this, I know it's a shock. I mean it when I say call me any time if you have questions and I'll contact you again in a few days."

Jay sat numbly staring at the array of documents on the formica table in front of him and barely registered movement when the social worker closed her bag and stood up. Walking past Jay on her way to the door, she paused behind his chair and placed a hand on his shoulder in sympathy before continuing on her way.

She was almost out the door when Jay called to her. "Do you have a photo?"

She turned back and smiled. "In the envelope."

When he was alone again, Jay sat motionless. He lost track of time and struggled to believe that what had just happened wasn't all some weird dream. His hands shaking, he reached for the crisp white envelope and opened the flap. He pulled out the letter, laying it aside. He'd read it properly soon, but right now all he wanted was…

The photo fell out and landed face down. 'Mariella Luisa Vega, 9th birthday party, Aug 31' was written in blue biro on the back of the photo. He picked it up and turned it over slowly.

Jay gasped. He felt like he had been punched in the gut, and every emotion conceivable flashed through his mind making his head spin. A beautiful little girl I a red polka dot dress and a flower in her hair stared out at him from the photograph. She had long glossy hair and light olive skin, and big brown eyes that were her mothers. She was smiling at whoever was behind the camera, and Jay couldn't help but smile too. He realised in that moment that he was crying.

This was his daughter.

Still clutching the photograph, he picked up the folded sheets of paper and began reading the neat slanted handwriting before him.

* * *

 _Dear Jay,_

 _It still feels strange calling you that, even if it's only in my mind. I will always remember you as Ryan, the sweet messed up guy who was there for me when I needed someone the most. I will always be grateful to you for what you did for me after Luis died, and whatever happened later, I truly believe we were meant to meet and share those weeks together._

 _I've spent a lot of time in the years since trying to understand why you got in so deep with me and risk your career and I can't figure it out. I choose to believe it was because you really did love me, I've held on to that hope in the toughest moments of my life bringing up my daughter. Our daughter. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about her. I told myself it was impossible, your partner only told me your first name, and by the time I found out I was pregnant I was already in Arizona. But that's a lie, I could have tried harder, I know I could have, but petty pride and fear of rejection prevented me. I found your last name by chance, I saw an article online about a Chicago cop who had saved 17 hostages and got shot in the process and saw your picture next to the headline. My heart rose and for the first time in a very long time I felt hope._

 _By that point I knew I was sick. When the doctors told me there was nothing more they could do, I made a decision. I told my aunt everything, about how we met and why I left Chicago, and made her swear on all her saints that she would find you and give Mariella to you if you agreed. When you meet Aunt Marie be prepared, she'll probably give you a tough time and is going to want some answers, but it's only because she loves Mariella and wants the best for her when I'm gone._

 _Let me tell you about my beautiful, sweet girl. She loves nature and hates been cooped up indoors. She'd rather play with a soccer ball than a doll's house, but loves to dress up as much as the next girl. She's allergic to fish and will eat Oreos all day long if you let her. Her favourite colour is green. There is more passion in her little finger than I've seen in anyone else I've ever met. The rest I will let you figure out for yourself. And believe me, when you do you will be just as in awe of her as I have been every single day since she was born._

 _I hope you will open your heart to our little girl like you opened your heart to me. Let me tell you something I wish someone had told me. Being a parent isn't easy, this isn't news to anyone, but as long as you love your child and keep them safe your best is good enough. I know you'll take care of her, I have faith in you. I saw something in you the first time you walked into my bar; kindness. I hope life has been good to you, I hope you have found someone to love and who loves you back. Maybe you even have other children by now. But if you let Mariella into your life you won't have any regrets. She has been a ray of sunshine in my otherwise gloomy life and I can't even imagine what my life would have become if I didn't have her to live for each day._

 _I hope you can forgive me for all I've done, for not making you part of Mariella's life until now and dropping this bombshell on you when I'm no longer around to deal with the fallout. Please talk to Aunt Marie. Learn about who I really was, if only so you can tell Mariella about me as she grows up. I will love her with all my heart until my last breath, and then it will be up to you. I know this is a lot to ask. I trust you will do what is right._

 _Camila_

* * *

When Jay reached the bottom of the letter he could barely read the words through his tears. He dropped the paper on the table. He put his face in his hands and the tears that were clouding his eyes slid down his cheeks and onto the table top.

If Camila knew what a mess his life was, would she have written this letter? Would she have entrusted her little girl to him? Did he have it in him to be a father? He didn't have the answers to any of these questions, but knew he owed it to himself, not to mention Camila and above all Mariella to try. He had never met this girl but already he felt a responsibility to her. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he let this poor vulnerable girl who had just lost her mother grow up thinking he didn't want her.

Jay didn't hear Upton and Grant return, didn't realise he was no longer alone until he felt one warm hand grip his shoulder firmly and another lift his chin.

The look on Hailey's face was one of shock and concern. "What's wrong?" she asked urgently, searching his face for clues. "What's happened?"

Jay opened his mouth to say something but no sound came out apart from a small breathy sob. Hailey sat down in the chair beside him and lay her hand on top of his. She slowly reached first for the crinkled pages and then for the photograph, looking at Jay for permission as she did so. She expected him to snatch up the papers and run from the room but he seemed unable to move or even focus. His eyes met hers but he made no attempt to stop her taking hold of the letter.

Maybe it was better this way. Too much harm had been done already by people keeping secrets.

Jay leant back in the chair and closed his eyes. Hailey began reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In a bathroom at Phoenix airport, Jay shaved with a disposable razor and ran a comb through his hair. When he judged himself to be somewhat presentable, he leant on the edge of the wash basin and stared at his reflection, trying to judge from an outsider's point of view what kind of first impression he would make.

He was tired. He'd spent the night tossing and turning and only finally passed out from exhaustion as the birds began singing and the sun was coming up. Yesterday was rough, and it was still a struggle for Jay to believe it wasn't all a dream. From the moment he found out about Mariella's existence, his memories were a blur. He remembered Hailey coming back from her job with Grant and finding him in a shell-shocked state at the table in the break room. Thank god it was her who had found him first, Jay thought. Anyone else and he probably would have bolted from the building to the nearest bar. After she read the letter they sat for a long time in silence, her rubbing his back soothingly and him shaking his head in quiet disbelief.

Jay knew he had talked to Sergeant Dawson, but he didn't know what he had said. Whatever it was, it was enough to do the job of getting him some leave and he had booked the earliest flight available out of Chicago.

Hailey had offered to come with him. Even after all he'd put her through, her first instinct was still to protect him. He loved her for it, he didn't mind admitting that. Jay guessed she was scared that he might fall apart, and that the stress would be too much and he'd relapse into old habits. But this was something he needed to do alone. He had promised to call her. She kissed him on the cheek and wished him luck.

Jay fished in his pocket for the address he'd been given of a café as he waited in line for a cab. The whole flight down he had been mentally preparing himself for the first meeting with Camila's aunt. He had called her as instructed last night, when he had pulled himself together sufficiently to form coherent thoughts, but he had sat on the edge of his bed staring at his phone screen for a long time before actually dialling. But looking at the photo of Mariella once more as he sat alone in his apartment, he knew what he had to do.

The cab pulled up outside the café across from a hospital and Jay took a deep breath. He paid the driver and stepped out onto the curb, his bag in hand. The bell above the door dinged as he pushed it open and he stood on the threshold scanning the room. It was a little after 1pm, office workers had filed in for their lunch time caffeine fix and the place was busy. He looked up and saw a woman at a table by the window. She lifted her hand to signal to him and he nodded back, his heart thudding in his chest.

Marie Vega was not what he expected. From their conversation the night before he pictured a serious and stern woman, but the face he saw was open and friendly and looked as nervous as he felt.

She stood up as he approached her table and extended her hand. "Marie Vega" she said. "It's good to meet you." She was wearing nurse's scrubs underneath a leather jacket and her hair was scraped back into a business-like bun.

"Jay Halstead. I'm happy to be here."

Jay pulled out a chair and sat down stiffly. He felt as though he'd walked into a formal job interview. That wasn't too far from the truth, Jay thought ironically, the job was 'father' and this was the woman he'd have to impress.

"Thank you for coming" Marie Vega said. "I know all this must have been a huge shock."

Jay nodded. "You could say that. I'm sorry, if I'd known any of this sooner I would have…"

Marie Vega raised her hand, waving away his apology. "You don't have to say a thing. Lord knows I loved my niece, but I don't mind telling you I think she was wrong on this."

"What did Camila tell you about me?" Jay crossed his arms in front of himself defensively, not entirely sure he wanted to know the answer to his question.

"About you or about Mariella's father?" At Jay's confused expression, Mrs Vega continued. "For years Camilla let me believe she'd been knocked up by some no-good drug dealer and she and Mariella were better off alone. It wasn't until she got sick that she told me the truth. I still don't understand why she hid from you for all these years, if I'd have known I would have pushed harder to contact you."

Jay processed what Mrs Vega was telling him, and struggled with his conscience on what to say. In the end he decided that being open was probably the best thing in the long run. "I wasn't fair on Camila, I don't blame her for not wanting to see me again. I got involved with her knowing the relationship couldn't go anywhere. I was selfish. Mrs Vega…"

"Please call me Marie."

"Marie. If I could go back and play things differently I would in a heartbeat." Jay had been in the company of this woman for only five minutes, but suddenly wanted to spill all he thoughts and innermost feelings to her. He wanted to show her that he was a good man. That he was trustworthy even though he had made mistakes, and that he was responsible enough to be part of his daughter's life. "Thank you for getting in touch with me. You didn't have to. You could have carried on with your life and I wouldn't have been any the wiser."

"I couldn't do that" the older woman said. "Camila made me promise. I was never able to refuse that girl a thing, ever since she was a child. And Mariella deserves the chance to know you, and you to know her."

"What does Mariella know about me?" Saying her name felt strange and scary and wonderful on his lips and he felt a warm feeling inside saying it.

Marie saw the worry on Jay's face. "I don't think Camila told her anything really" she said, sympathetically. "I think Mariella has always wondered about her father, but Camila always dodged the subject."

Jay signalled to the waiter for some coffee. He needed something to help his brain focus that wasn't narcotic. "Have you told her anything now?"

"Not yet. I wanted to meet you first, I wanted to be sure you'd come. She's been so strong these past few weeks, but she's still only a little girl. I didn't want to give her more to deal with if it was for nothing."

"I'm here" Jay said, resolutely, "and however you want to play this I'll go along with it. I can only imagine what she has gone through and the last thing I want to do is make anything harder thank it needs to be." He swallowed, unsure if he wanted to know the answer to the next question. "How was it at the end, with Camila?"

He didn't want to upset this woman, but he wanted to show that he cared. Marie Vega stared out of the window for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "It was difficult, it was as if the life just drained out of her. She wasn't the same person at the end, it was hard for Mariella to lose her mother before she was really gone, you know?"

Jay thought back to the last paragraph of Camila's letter, encouraging him to ask questions about her of her aunt. But there would be time for that and now wasn't it. The focus had to be firmly on Mariella for the time being, on the future and how best to move forward.

Wiping her eye with a napkin, Marie made an effort to gather her composure. "Tell me about yourself" she said, a forced smile on her face. "What's your life like in Chicago?"

Jay thanked the waiter as a strong black coffee was placed in front of him and he wrapped his hands around the mug while he thought about where to start. "Well, I'm still a cop. A detective. I still work in the same unit as before. I have an apartment in a good neighbourhood. It's nice."

"Camila said you used to be in the military?"

"The Rangers, yes. But that was a long time ago, I'm not going back."

"Are you married?" Marie caught Jay's hesitation. "That wasn't supposed to be a difficult question, I'm only getting started." She grinned, trying to lighten the mood.

Jay looked into his coffee and sighed. "Legally, yes, I'm married. But we're separated. My wife's a cop too, she works in intelligence with me. It's complicated." Jay wondered when the last time was that he'd referred to Hailey as his wife. He also wondered if he still had the right to.

Marie considered his answer and gave a slight shrug of her shoulders. "What marriage isn't."

Jay was relieved that his mess of a relationship wasn't an issue for Mrs Vega as far as proving he could provide a stable and loving home went. He relaxed a little and took a sip of his drink, waiting for the next question.

"Do you have any other kids?"

"No. We didn't… It was never the right time."

"I'm sorry if this is uncomfortable. I'm not asking to pry, I want to know what kind of person I'm letting into Mariella's life. I'm glad you're being honest with me. Is there anything I should know?"

Now Jay began to wonder if he should renege on his silent vow to himself to be honest. Would his narcotics addiction be a deal breaker? One wrong word and his chance to get to know his daughter could be over. But he had an instinct that Marie Vega would be understanding. She exuded calm and something about her invited confidence. Plus she was a nurse, he took a chance that she would be more understanding than most about the subject of addiction. Her bedside manner with her patients was probably excellent too. Jay made a decision.

"Camila said in her letter she found an article about me, about when I was shot?" Marie nodded, unsure where this was going and Jay carried on. "I messed up my shoulder pretty bad. The bullet ripped through the nerves and I became dependant on the pain meds for a while."

Marie took all this in her stride, understanding perfectly what Halstead was saying. "Are you getting help?" She asked, matter-of-factly.

"Yes. I'm going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, it's hard but I'm more determined than ever to beat this." He took his chip from his pocket and pit it down on the table. "3 months. 3 months, 8 days and about 12 hours to be exact" he said.

Marie looked at it, then put her hand on top of Jay's. "Thank you for telling me."

"What happens now?" Halstead asked. Now that he was here, in Phoenix, he wanted to meet Mariella as soon as possible but knew that if he wanted to do this right he couldn't rush.

"Well, my shift at the hospital will be over in a couple of hours. I'm going to collect Mariella from school and take her home. I want to tell her tonight, but if she's not in a good place emotionally I won't force it."

"Take your time" Jay said. "I have all the time in the world." It's been nine years, he thought, what's a couple more days? But he would be fooling himself if he really believed that platitude. The wait would kill him.

"Did you bring the picture I asked for?" Jay opened his wallet and pulled out a photograph of himself. He handed it over.

"Great. The social worker said it would help if Mariella could see your picture before she met you." Marie put it inside her purse then looked back up at Jay. "Go out, explore the city. Check into your hotel, go eat in a good restaurant. I will call you tomorrow and let you know where we go from here. When you do meet Mariella there will be a social worker present. They will probably want to interview you too."

"I get it" Jay said. Whatever hoops he had to jump through he would do it. "Of course."

"I've got to get back to work, I'm sorry this was so brief." Marie finished her drink and made to stand up, but stopped. "I almost forgot, I brought something for you to borrow." She reached into her handbag and produced a silver photo album. "Here. I know it can't make up for lost time but I thought you might want to take a look."

Marie handed the album to Jay and he took it carefully as if it was the most precious object in the world. It had a flowery design and a glittery purple 'M' on the cover. Jay wanted to throw it open right then and there, but instead he calmly said thank you and slipped it into his bag.

* * *

Jay wanted to be alone. Actually, that wasn't true. He wanted someone by his side that he could trust and lean on for support, but the one person who fit the criteria was 1,700 miles away, and he needed to stop thinking that way. He missed Hailey. He always missed Hailey. Even though he saw her every day, he missed what they used to have. He thought how different it would be now if their marriage was still going strong, he would feel a lot less fragile and unprepared for the coming upheaval he was about to experience.

All afternoon he'd tried to keep busy, he'd eaten some steak, gone to a movie, all to distract himself from the fact that he was terrified about what tomorrow might bring. Back in his hotel, Jay kicked off his shoes and slung his jacket over the back of the chair. He picked up the photo album from the desk and sat back on the bed. It was 10pm.

Jay opened the album to the first page. He lingered a moment on each glossy photograph before turning the page. Later, he would spend hours committing every photo to memory, but right now he was watching the little girl that was part of him grow up in minutes. A tiny baby asleep in a nest of blankets morphed into a toddler, full of energy, running down a path laughing. Mariella on her third birthday, her hands and face covered in frosting. First day at school, smiling proudly on the door step of her home. Splashing in the waves on a beach, posing in her soccer kit with her team mates. The next photo made Jay stop.

He judged that Mariella was about six or seven in the picture. It was a candid shot, taken at a summer BBQ. Mariella and Camila were dancing, Jay could hear the music in his head as though he was there. They were laughing and both looked so happy.

"Oh Camila" Jay said to himself, and touched the photo gently. "I would have been there for you, I would have stepped up." He would step up now. He would have to. Whatever it took, he would not miss out on any more of his little girl's life. He closed the album and took out his cell.

His call was answered after the fourth ring. "Hey. Hold on." Jay could hear chatter in the background and it was a minute before Hailey spoke again. "How are you doing?"

It was so good to hear her voice that Jay immediately relaxed. "Honestly, I'm going nuts. I met with Camila's aunt, she said she was going to tell Mariella about me tonight and that she'd call me tomorrow. But what if she changes her mind? Or what if Mariella doesn't want to meet me? Or the social worker decides that she's better off without me? I don't know what I'd do if…"

"Stop." Hailey's tone was firm, but Jay was used to it, and more often than not tough love was what he needed. "You can't think that way. You're a good guy, Jay, anyone can see that. You found out this huge thing only yesterday and you dropped everything and flew across the country. That counts."

"Marie Vega gave me this photo album of Mariella growing up. I've missed out on so much, I don't want to miss any more."

"You won't."

"I'm sorry to call you so late" Jay said, suddenly aware that he was intruding on her life. His problems were not really her problems anymore. Despite her instruction to call her, Jay was aware that he'd lost the right to rely on Hailey months ago. In the back of his mind he knew she would always be there for him. Hailey's loyalty was one of her defining characteristics. He'd hidden things from her, and messed her around and still she'd be there to support him in a heartbeat. He didn't deserve that.

"It's alright. I'm just at Molly's with Eve and Cal. Heading home soon though."

"Did you guys solve the drugs case?"

"Not yet. Don't worry about that, focus on you. Everything will work out, you'll see." There was a pause. "Jay, I'm proud of you."

* * *

When Halstead's phone rang late the next morning, it was a social worker and not Marie Vega who was on the other end of the line. Jay's chest tightened, fearing the worst, that someone in the chain between him and the life he'd pictured over the last 36 hours had changed their mind and would tell him to go home and forget everything. But the man who spoke to him sounded cheerful so Jay's heartbeat began to return to its normal rate.

"This is what will happen" the man, who said his name was Mike Lafferty, told him. "In situations like this, we let the child lead the way. Whatever Mariella wants. Maybe she'll want me in the room, or her great-aunt, or both of us. Maybe she'll only want to talk to you on the phone at first. Or maybe she will decide she's not ready yet and we'll try again another day. It can be frustrating, but please be patient. It really is better in the long run not to rush."

Jay had never listened to intently to another person in his life.

"Come to the office at 3pm. I'll give you the address, do you have a pen?"

When Jay arrived at precisely 2:45pm, he walked through the open-planned main office and wanted to scream. Didn't all these people carrying on like today was just any other day realise that his world was about to change? He was led to a corner office by the social worker Mike who had called him that morning and sat down in a chair one side of a large wooden desk.

"Is she here?" Jay asked before the man had even sat down.

Mike Lafferty smiled and sat down calmly. Jay leaned forward in his seat, fidgeting nervously. "Yes. She's here."

Jay took a deep breath to try and steady himself. "How is she? Is she okay?" Jay had never met this girl but was already more concerned about her wellbeing and happiness than he knew it was possible to be.

"Mariella is fine. She's with her great aunt in the family room. I wanted to talk to you before you meet her."

Jay's eyes widened. "She wants to meet me?"

"Yes. She's handling the situation remarkably maturely for her age. Listen Mr Halstead, I wanted to make sure you understood what's expected of you and what this process with be like. Everyone respects Miss Vega's wish for Mariella to live with you but we need to be satisfied that that's what's best for the child. I take it you intend to remain in Chicago?"

Jay had not had the time to think this through, but he couldn't imagine living anywhere else. "Yes" he said. "My job's there, and my support system. My brother lives in the city with his wife, he's a doctor. I've got a good job, an apartment, a decent amount of money."

The social worker nodded and jotted something down in his notes.

"But I can stay here as long as it takes, my boss gave me as much time off as I needed." Jay sat back in his chair and took a deep breath. He didn't say anything for a long time. "I'm sorry, this is all happening so fast. Two days ago I didn't even know I had a daughter."

Mike Lafferty put down his pen. "Do you need a minute before we go in?"

"No. I'm good." Jay didn't want to wait one more second.

"Ok then. Follow me."


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello. Here's the next instalment of this story. It's a long one, I hope that's ok. I just started writing and couldn't stop, and wanted to fit Jay's time in Phoenix into one chapter. I hope you like it._

Chapter 3

Jay stepped over the threshold and there she was. Mariella was kneeling on the floor in front of a worn brown sofa, leaning on a glass coffee table. She had her head down, intent on drawing whatever she was drawing on paper pulled from an office printer. A pencil case filled with well-used colouring pencils rested beside her.

In the corner of the room was a blue storage box filled to the brim with soft toys and building blocks, tools to occupy kids of all ages. Jay wondered how many families had been knitted together or torn apart in this room. He could almost feel the residual emotion in the air.

Mariella didn't look up when Jay walked into the room and the door clicked shut. He could tell from the way that her shoulders tensed that she had noticed his entrance, and was trying with all her will not to lift her head. She coloured harder.

Jay looked across at the social worker for reassurance. The man had positioned himself inconspicuously in the corner of the room, to see but not be seen. He nodded encouragingly. Marie Vega was sitting on the sofa behind Mariella and also nodded at Jay, smiling.

Jay took a step forward cautiously, as if he were in trying not to frighten a timid animal. "Hello Mariella" he said.

Mariella stopped colouring but did not look up. "Hello" she replied, quietly.

"May I come in?"

She nodded, then went back to her colouring. Jay sat down on the opposite couch, his hands fidgeting in his lap. "What are you drawing there?"

"A forest at night" Mariella replied. She slid the half-finished picture across the table closer to Jay and finally looked up. "You can see it if you want to." Jay picked up the piece of paper and studied it.

"That's awesome" he said, smiling. "I like the owl in the tree." He looked up from the page and met Mariella's eye for the first time. He smiled broadly.

She watched him with large, curious eyes, and a hint of pride at her artwork. "Thank you" she said, politely. She looked Jay up and down, studying him like he was studying her. Jay knew she had seen his picture already so his appearance wasn't totally new to her, but no one looked the same in real life. Maybe she was searching his features for similarities to her own appearance. That's what Jay was trying to do, but he was so in awe that he was having trouble focusing.

Mariella stood up, retreating to the sofa behind her and the comfort of her great aunt's arms, but didn't take her eyes off Jay. "You're my Dad" she said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. She said it as though testing the idea out loud.

"Yes. You can call me Jay."

Mariella snuggled into Marie's side, but she wasn't trying to hide from him, she was only looking for some strength. Jay could do with some of that himself, he thought, but stayed strong.

"Do you have any questions sweetie?" Marie Vega said in a way that told Jay that Mariella had a million questions but was perhaps not brave enough to ask them yet. She stroked Mariella's hair gently and kissed the top of her head.

"It's alright" Jay said. "You can ask me whatever you want, I don't mind."

"When did you find out about me?" Mariella's voice was still quiet, but calm. She didn't seem upset, only shy.

"Two days ago" Jay said. "On Monday. I flew straight here to meet you."

"Where do you live?"

Jay suspected Mariella knew these answers already but was asking them again to be sure of the truth. Jay didn't blame her. To find out something so huge at such a young age must have left her questioning a lot and wondering who or what to trust. "In Chicago" He replied. "Do you know where that is?"

Mariella nodded. There was a pause, she seemed to be pondering something, her brow furrowed slightly. "Are you happy?"

The question caught Jay off guard. Practical questions with definitive answers Jay could manage, but asking how he felt? Jay wasn't prepared for that, especially not prepared to answer in a way that was suitable for a child to hear, but it only took him a second to absorb the loaded question.

"Absolutely" he said, trying to sound upbeat and less terrified than he felt. The look on Mariella's face was sceptical. "I was shocked when I found out about you for sure" Jay elaborated, cautiously. He was aware from having to deal with kids in sensitive situations in the line of duty that talking to them as equals was often better than sugar-coating difficult subjects, but at the same time one wrong answer may set him back disastrously. "But it was a good shock. I'm very happy to meet you."

Mariella smiled and pulled away from her aunt, a little braver than before. There were a million questions that Jay had too, but he would save them. He was aware of the fragility of this meeting, he didn't want to push to hard and break this tentative trust between him and his daughter that was beginning to form. Mariella gazed at him with her big brown eyes and seemed to decide within herself that this man, this stranger, was telling her the truth.

"I bet you're happy not to be at school today, huh?" Jay said.

Mariella gave a guilty smile. "Sometimes I like it."

"Oh yeah? What's your best subject?"

"I like gym" she said. "And math."

"Math?" Jay screwed up his nose, making a face. "I am terrible at math."

Mariella giggled. "Numbers are easy. I'm not too good at spelling."

"Me neither."

Mariella grew more confident and animated the more she talked and Jay marvelled at this little person in front of him and her resilience to everything the universe had thrown at her in the past few months. She seemed to be taking all this in her stride far better than he was. If she was shocked by him suddenly appearing in her life, or angry or sad, she wasn't showing it. Jay began to relax. He felt sure enough to ask a few more questions of his own. Nothing heavy, just enough to prove that he really was interested. "What's your favourite animal?"

Mariella pointed at her drawing, abandoned for the time being on the table. "Owls."

"Of course" Jay said, smiling.

Mariella went back to her drawing. She reached into her pencil case and selected a green pencil carefully, then resumed colouring in the canopy of the tree where her owl perched.

"What's your favourite?" Mariella didn't look up, but she was relaxed now, not like when Jay first walked in the room.

"My answer's really boring" Jay said. "I like dogs."

"Do you have a dog? Our neighbour Mrs Allan has a little dog that barks all the time. It's really loud."

"No, I don't have any pets. But sometimes I get to work with dogs at my job, that's pretty cool."

Jay expected Mariella to ask about his job now but she didn't. She picked a dark blue colouring pencil from her case and finished colouring in the sky.

While they talked, Jay watched Mariella, trying to absorb every detail about her. Her small delicate hands so carefully colouring her masterpiece. Her bright, gentle eyes that startled him anew whenever she looked up at him. Jay smiled often as they talked and felt tears prick the backs of his eyes. He felt happier in this room and in this moment than he had for a while.

A knock came at the door and Jay looked at the clock to find that 30 minutes had flown by without him realising. A blonde woman pushed the door open and locked eyes with the social worker in the corner. Jay suddenly felt nervous. He didn't want this meeting to end. Irrationally, he feared that if they were to leave this room he'd never see Mariella again. But it had gone well, hadn't it?

Mike took a step into the centre of the room, making himself visible for the first time since Jay had walked in. He called time on the meeting and Jay's heart sank. Mariella packed her colouring things into her backpack and put on her jacket. She took her aunt's hand to leave.

Jay looked up at Marie Vega and smiled to her in a way that he hoped would convey just how grateful he was for the opportunity to meet his daughter. She nodded back and smiled too, but there was a hint of sadness behind her eyes.

"Goodbye Mariella" Jay said, attempting to sound as cheerful as possible. "I'll see you again soon."

"Bye."

Mariella and Marie followed the social worker to the door. Mariella turned and waved to Jay over her shoulder and then they were gone. Jay slumped forward in his chair, the emotion he was trying to keep at bay during the meeting in an effort to appear calm came rushing to her surface. He put his face in his hands.

He heard the door open again and looked up to see Mariella standing in front of him with her arm outstretched and a hopeful look on her face. She smiled shyly as she held out the picture, and Jay took it, touched by the gesture. "Thank you" he said, and she scuttled away.

* * *

Jay's first instinct when he got outside was to call Hailey. He could hear the relief in her voice and practically see the smile on her face when he told her he'd met his daughter for the first time. "That's so great Jay" she said, and sounded genuinely happy for him.

"Yeah, I did. She's wonderful, Hailey. You have no idea."

"How are you doing?"

That was a question that Jay was not immediately sure he knew how to answer. "I still feel a bit like this is all some crazy dream" Jay said. "It's overwhelming."

Hailey hesitated. That word gave her cause for concern. "Too overwhelming?" she asked, cautiously, knowing what had happened in the past after Jay used that word to describe his feelings.

"No, not at all." It pained Jay that he was still causing Hailey to worry about him. "For the first time in a long time I feel in control, as weird as that sounds. I think I just needed something else to focus on, you know?" Jay stopped. He kicked himself for saying those words. They implied that their marriage had not been enough to keep his mind off his addiction, that Hailey hadn't been enough. "I'm sorry" Jay said, trying to backpedal. "That came out wrong."

"I understand" Hailey said, but Jay could hear in her voice that she had inferred the same unintentional meaning from his words. "Listen, I think you should find a meeting in Phoenix. You don't know how long you might have to stay there. You feel good now but who knows how you may feel tomorrow."

In the past, Jay would have protested, insisted that he was fine and didn't need any help. But now he realised he had been fooling himself. He didn't want to do anything to jeopardise his chance to get to know Mariella, and he especially didn't want to hurt Hailey any more than he already had. "That's a good idea. Thank you for caring about me."

"Any time."

There was a silence between them, but Jay could still hear Hailey softly breathing so he knew she was still there. In that silence sat so many words that needed to be said, but neither one of them wanted to be the first to say them. Hailey was the first to speak, but her tone was light as she steered the conversation away from that rabbit hole. Right now was not about them, it was about a brave little girl whose world had turned upside down. "So, tell me about her…"

* * *

Mariella stood on the railings throwing pieces of bread to the ducks. Her school backpack was at her feet. The afternoon sun was low in the sky and glinted off the duckpond. Jay leant on the railing too a few steps away, he wanted to be close to her but not crowd her. He watched her intently for any signs of discomfort but she seemed relaxed.

Jay was prepared to wait at least a couple of days before hearing anything more from the social worker or Marie Vega after their meeting yesterday and had spent the morning trying not to get his hopes up too much. So when Marie called him and suggested the three of them go to the park the next day after school, he had said yes before she had even finished the sentence.

Mariella threw her last piece of bread to the ducks and stepped off the railing. "Mariella." Jay said her name and the girl turned to him. "I brought some photos to show you." He took out his phone, ready to bring up the few carefully selected photos he'd chosen. He led Mariella back to the bench where Marie was waiting and they both sat down.

The first photo was of him and the rest of Intelligence in their dress uniforms the day Dawson was made sergeant. Jay's gaze lingered on Hailey for a second before he handed the phone to Mariella. "This is me at work" Jay said. "I'm a police detective, though I don't normally wear a uniform. And these are some of the people I work with."

"Your hat is funny" Mariella said, and Jay smiled.

"Yeah, I think so too." Jay pointed to Dawson, front and centre of the photo. "That there is my boss."

"Is he a scary boss? Mom hated her boss, she said he was mean to her."

Mariella talking so casually about Camila threw Jay off balance, and he watched her nervously for a moment to see how the memory would affect her, but she didn't seem to notice what she had said, she still stared at the photo with interest.

"No, he's a very good boss. He let me have time off work to come and see you."

Jay leant over and swiped across to the next photo. It was of Will and Natalie, smiling on a vacation they'd all taken to a lake house. Jay knew that Hailey was the one behind the camera, not him. She had grabbed his phone from his pocket to capture the sweet moment between his brother and sister-in-law, and that knowledge stirred up feelings of nostalgia. This was the last holiday they went on together before his injury. The week was filled with happy memories but thinking of them now as painful. He pushed his emotions aside, he had to focus on now.

"This is my brother Will and his wife Natalie. They live in Chicago too, they're both doctors." He moved to the next photo. "And these are their kids."

Mariella smiled. "My cousins" she said.

"Yes" Jay said. He had been warned not to refer to his family as Mariella's relations too, not yet. But Mariella brought it up and it made Jay happy.

It was a professional studio photograph of all three kids from only last month. Natalie's mother had given them a voucher for the session for Christmas. Will had laughed at the idea, but even he had to admit that the pictures had come out well. Jay doted on his nephews and niece, he was so proud of them. "That's Owen, he's 12. Then there's Zach, he's six, and little Lizzie is only two."

Jay looked from the picture to Mariella and studied her face. She looked excited. "Will I meet them?" she asked.

"Of course. I don't know when, but you will."

"I've never had cousins before."

Jay smiled sadly, and for the first time considered how lonely Mariella might have been growing up without having any siblings or cousins around her. "Do you want to see the next picture?" he asked gently. Mariella nodded.

It was a group photo from a fundraiser BBQ before Jay's life started to go wrong. Jay liked this photo because it reminded him of all the people he had in his life who cared about him and were there for him when he was struggling. Jay was sat on the blanket on the grass with his arm around Hailey, and they were laughing at Kevin's little boy Reuben who had only just learned to walk at this point and was running right through the middle of the picture. The sun was shining and everyone looked happy.

Jay saw a small smile creep onto Mariella's face and was expecting another question, but she didn't say anything for a long time. Jay could only guess at what she was thinking. He dreamed of the day when he would know his girl so well that he'd know what she was thinking without either of them having to speak, but for now he would have to be patient.

"Who's that lady?" she eventually asked, pointing to Hailey.

Jay had thought about how to explain his relationship to Hailey in a simple way, but their relationship was anything other than simple. "Her name is Hailey" he said. "We work together. We are just friends now but we used to be a couple."

Mariella looked confused. "You're friends?"

"Yes." Jay was confused by her confusion. He gently took his phone back as he waited for her to say more. Eventually, when she didn't, he spoke. "What are you thinking Mariella?"

"When Mom broke up with her boyfriend she was angry and said she never wanted to see them again. You broke up but you're friends?"

Jay had never had to explain adult issues to a child before, not really and not like this. He'd had some experience with his nephews but this was a who different deal and Jay was out of his depth. He thought for a moment, and realised he had to say something, he couldn't just leave Mariella's question hanging in the air.

"Sometimes…" Jay faltered, trying to grab the right words out of thin air. All he had to say was 'yes, we're still friends', he was making this far more complicated than it needed to be. Mariella turned to look at him curiously and he cleared his throat. "Yes, we're still friends. It's complicated." Jay mentally kicked himself. He was talking to a nine year old child, not his therapist. He smiled at Mariella. "Your aunt showed me some pictures of you" he said, changing the subject and taking the purple photo album out. He could tell Mariella recognised it and was a little embarrassed. "Would you like to tell me about some of them?"

He passed it to Mariella and she held it on her lap for a moment. She was shy, Jay didn't want her to retreat back into herself. "I like the one of you feeding the elephant at the zoo" he prompted, but she didn't reply. Watching Mariella a little closer, he now saw that she wasn't shy, she was upset. It scared Jay, and it scared him even more that it wasn't obvious to him why. Part of him wanted to comfort her and part of him wanted to back away, but he fought the latter urge. "It's okay. Maybe some other time."

Mariella wiped her face with the sleeve of her coat. "Momma was always taking pictures of me" she said in a small voice.

Jay's heart broke a little bit when she said this. He hardly knew this girl but she was part of him and there very last thing he wanted was to cause her pain. "You miss her huh?" Mariella nodded. Jay took a deep breath. "My Mom died too" he said and Mariella looked up.

"Really?"

"Yes. It happened when I was an adult but it didn't hurt any less."

"Was she old?"

Jay shook his head. "No. She was sick."

"Do you miss her?"

A lump came to Jay's throat. It was still painful to think about it. When he spoke, his voice was strained. "I miss her every day." Jay closed his eyes and took a deep breath and in his mind, he was right back at that time in his life, reliving the heartache. When his own mother died he had felt completely alone. He wouldn't let Mariella feel the same.

Jay's hand was resting on the bench between them. He felt her hand touch his own and he opened his eyes, surprised. He looked at Mariella and she pulled away, suddenly nervous that she had done something wrong, but Jay caught her hand and held it gently.

"It will get better" he said. "I promise."

* * *

"Mariella, will you please eat something?"

Marie Vega looked apologetically across the table and tried in vain to get her niece to engage.

Jay's lunch sat untouched in front of him too. He sat opposite Mariella and Marie in the diner booth at a total loss. Two days ago when they had parted, Jay felt happier than he had in a very long time, confident that he had made some progress in getting to know his daughter and earning her trust and believing for perhaps the first time this crazy week that he could actually be a proper father. But it had been less than 48 hours and everything had changed.

When Marie and Mariella entered the diner to find Jay already sat in the booth, the girl was sullen and only muttered a distracted hello. Since then, she hadn't said a word to Jay and had barely looked up. Jay tried to break the ice, to ask questions about school but received no response. Marie offered sympathetic looks to Jay but short of ordering Mariella to talk, there wasn't much she could do.

Jay kept on thinking back to the words the social worker had said, about letting Mariella take the lead. He also reminded himself that he would be a fool to think this process would be all smooth sailing. But no matter what logic he applied to try and comfort himself despair was growing steadily in his gut. Jay knew where this feeling led and he was terrified about what it meant for his own state of mind.

Mariella dropped her knife and fork on the table with a clatter. "I need the bathroom" she said, and stood up from the booth and darted across the restaurant.

Jay let out deep sigh, some tension leaving him now that he didn't have to remain stoic and unruffled in front of Mariella.

"I'm sorry" Marie said, evidently feeling the same weight lift. "It's not just you, she's mad at me too."

"What happened?"

Marie looked out of the window for a moment then back at Jay. "I think it's dawned on her that she's going to have to leave here soon. Her whole life is here, everything she's known. It's a lot to take in."

Jay felt tears press the back of his eyes. The force of emotion he felt towards this little girl he had known for less than a week was shocking to him. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her. "I meant it when I said I could stay here as long as it takes, I don't want to make anything harder for Mariella than it needs to be."

"I appreciate that, but I think it will be tough no matter what. Postponing the inevitable will only make things worse."

"Have you sat down with her and explained everything? About Camila's letter?"

Marie sighed. "I've tried, but she's shutting me out too. I think she feel like I don't want her and am sending her away."

"Poor kid" Jay said, and put his face in his hands. He felt the ominous feeling rise inside him and wanted to bolt out the door. Sheer force of will was all that was keeping him glued to his seat. "Should I talk to her? Make her understand why this is happening?"

Marie smiled at him. "Maybe. But not yet. In a few days when she's had some time to get used to the idea. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want. In a day or so we can try again. I promise we'll keep trying."

"I'm not going anywhere" Jay said, and he really did mean it. But he also said it hoping that saying the words out loud would make it come true. Underneath the table his leg started fidgeting and he put his hand on his knee to stop it.

"I should take Mariella home. I'm sorry lunch was such a disaster."

Marie reached into her bag for her wallet but Jay shook his head. "No, I'll pay. Don't worry about it."

The door to the restrooms opened and Mariella walked cautiously back to the table without looking up from the floor. Marie Vega grabbed her bag and coat, as well as Mariella's coat and slid out of the booth. "Come on, let's go home" she said gently, careful not to raise her voice. Mariella didn't react, but allowed her aunt to lead her towards the door.

"Bye Mariella, I'll see you soon" Jay said to their retreating backs, but received no reply. The bell above the door chimed as they walked out to the street.

* * *

"Hailey…"

The second Upton answered the phone and heard Jay's heavy breathing and strained voice, she knew he was in trouble. She'd seen the signs too many times to think anything else. For a long time she didn't want to see the signs, didn't want to admit that there was anything wrong. It was ironic, since she had always been so in tune with Jay's emotions, even before they had entered into a romantic relationship. She had always been the first person to recognise when he wasn't coping and needed help, and had pushed him into counselling more than once. But at some point Hailey had unconsciously decided that by pretending her marriage wasn't in trouble, it would magically become the truth. Jay had needed her and she had refused to see it. She wasn't going to make that mistake again.

"I don't know what I'm doing" Jay said. Hailey could hear the emotion in his voice.

"You need to find a meeting" she said, matter of factly. She didn't ask what had happened, it wasn't important. Jay would tell her if he wanted to in time, the important thing was to set his mind straight. If she had been in Phoenix she would have dragged him to a meeting herself. She could hear Jay breathing down the other end of the line but for a minute he didn't answer. "Jay, promise me. Get to a meeting, do not do something you'll regret."

"Ok" Jay said. "You're right."

"Promise." Hailey sounded sterner than she wanted to, she hoped Jay didn't think she was angry at him.

"I promise."

When the call ended Hailey sat for a long time in silence. She really hoped that promise wouldn't be broken.

* * *

When Jay first started attending meetings, it took him a while to get up and share his testimony. He needed to feel safe and build trust in the same people he saw week after week at his regular meeting before he found the courage to reveal his story. But now he stood in front of a sea of unfamiliar faces in a city that wasn't his own scared to death that if he didn't talk he'd give in to his desperate craving and lose even more than he had already.

"I'm Jay. I've been sober for 104 days." He paused for the customary greeting from the other attendees and took a deep breath to compose himself. He gripped the lectern to steady himself. "I'm from out of town, I've only been here since Tuesday, but I need to be here, I'm scared of what might happen if I'm not. This week I found out I have a daughter that I've never met and It's really thrown me." Jay let out a small laugh, that was an understatement. "I was keeping it together, work was going well. But I got this news and it's knocked me off balance."

Jay looked out at the dozen or so people sat in front of him. He tried to imagine what Hailey would say to him if she was here, but he realised she probably wouldn't say anything, she would sit there with patience, silently encouraging him. But that would kind of defeat the point and remove the 'anonymous' part of the deal. He shook his head once to stop his mind wandering and continued.

"I started taking pills because I was badly injured. I genuinely needed them for my physical pain. But at some point it was more about dealing with the emotional pain." Jay caught the eye of a blond woman on the front row who was nodding slowly. "I probably don't need to tell any of you that." Jay cleared his throat and carried on. "Earlier today the third meeting with my daughter didn't go so well, and I started to doubt whether I could do this, if I had it in me to be a father. But I realised I had no choice, I had to try my hardest or I would hate myself." Jay looked down at the floor, slightly embarrassed. "So I wound up here."

After the meeting, Jay had walked the streets for a good couple of hours to clear his head, stopping only when his rumbling stomach reminded him that he hadn't eaten lunch. His evening ended with a take out burrito and a pay-per-view movie in his hotel room, and a feeling like a weight had been lifted. A decade ago, he balked at the idea that talking about his feelings would make any significant difference to anything. Despite all the counselling he had gone through in the military and the police force which, if Jay was honest with himself, he had done only because he didn't have a choice, he still had felt like he was fine to cope on his own. It had taken many years and many mistakes for him to admit to himself that he didn't have all the answers.

For a long time Hailey was the one he talked to, but he didn't have that right any more and didn't want to burden her with his problems any more than he already had this week. Attending the meeting was just what he needed, and Jay recognised what a huge deal it was for him to admit that.

He couldn't fall back on his addiction and retreat into a fog of despair, it just wasn't an option. Mariella needed him, and her would persevere, even if it took weeks to gain her trust.

* * *

Jay approached the bench cautiously, his hands in his pockets. "Mariella, can I sit down?" Mariella shrugged and kicked at the ground with her sneaker. "I need to talk to you, ok?"

Jay sat down and looked out at the pond, unsure what to say, but Mariella spoke first. "I have to come and live with you, don't I?"

The sadness in her voice made Jay's heart hurt. He turned to face Mariella but kept his distance. "Yes" he said simply. "That's the plan. You Mom wrote me a letter, it's what she wanted. I'm sorry if you feel like we lied to you."

"I don't want to leave."

Jay didn't know what to say to that, he couldn't do anything to prevent that happening and didn't want to insult her by saying it would be ok. He knew it wouldn't for her, not for a while. "I hope you'll like Chicago, I think you will. You'll get to meet you uncle and aunt, and your cousins. My boss has a little girl too, just a bit younger than you."

Mariella tugged at the sleeve of her jacket awkwardly. But she didn't run away or yell at Jay, he took that as a good sign.

"I know you've been through so much, I know everything's changing so quickly and it must be difficult for you. But for what it's worth I can't wait for you to come live with me. I'm so excited to get to know you. I've missed out on so much of your life already, I don't want to miss any more."

"My Mom wrote you a letter?" Mariella asked. "Can I read it?"

"Maybe when you're older" Jay said. There were things in that letter a nine year old didn't need to read. "But she told me some things about you."

Mariella looked up. "What did she say?"

Jay looked back out over the water, remembering. He had practically memorised the entire letter word for word. "She told me you like soccer, and oreos, and the colour green. She said fish makes you sick. She also said you like to dress up, and you like playing outdoors."

Mariella smiled. "That's all true. What else?"

Jay met her gaze and smiled. "That was all. She said she would leave the rest up to me to find out for myself."

Mariella glanced at Marie who was standing behind them a little way down the path, keeping her distance but watching intently. "Will I ever see Aunt Marie again?"

"Of course you will. I'm not trying to steal you away, Mariella, I'm just trying to do what's right." Jay stopped, wondering if he was saying too much. She was only a child, after all, the concepts of regret and responsibility were maybe too much for her. But he also decided that he would not patronise her and would explain the best he could why all this was happening to her. He looked over at Mariella who had finally looked up at him for the first time since he arrived. She was looking at her thoughtfully but he couldn't quite read the expression on her face.

"What are you thinking?" Jay asked, then added. "It's alright if you don't want to tell me."

"I'll miss my friends" she said. "And my school."

He wanted to tell her she'd make new friends, that she'd love her new school too, but all this would sound empty to Mariella and Jay knew it. "I know" was all he said instead.

"When will I have to leave?" she asked.

"That's not been decided yet" Jay said. "I'll need to go home by myself and get things ready. It's really not up to me, or your aunt. It's up to social services. But there are a lot of people want you to be as comfortable as possible about everything."

Mariella nodded. She looked resigned to her fate. Jay took a chance then, one that could have backfired horribly but felt like the right thing to do in that moment. He took Mariella's hand in both of his and moved so they we sitting only inches apart.

"Listen to me Mariella, I'll be honest with you alright?" The look on Mariella's face told Jay that she didn't believe he would be honest but was willing to hear him out. He took it as a good sign. "I don't know what I'm doing. I've never been anybody's Dad before. It will be tough and scary, for both of us, but I want so much to get to know you. I wish I had been in your life since you were a baby but there's nothing I can do to change that now. All I can do is be there for you now."

Jay had known this girl less than a week. He was being full on and he knew it but something old him Mariella could take it, he sensed a strength inside her that he had sensed in Camila. Jay felt Mariella's warm hand slide out from his grip and a feeling of disappointment hit him like a punch to the gut. He had come on too strong and he had scared her away, he kicked himself for making that mistake. He bowed his head to the ground and closed his eyes, trying to readjust.

But just when Jay thought he had screwed things up even more, he felt a pair of skinny little arms wrap around his waist. Startled, but happy, Jay looked down at the top of his daughter's head and her shiny black hair spreading over his shirt, and thought to himself secretly that maybe he would be ok at this parenting thing after all.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello everyone. Firstly, let me apologise for the length of time since I last update this. It's been, what, roughly 17 years?! I never forgot about this fic, I only struggled for a while, and I find it hard to write when my shows are on hiatus anyway. If you're new to this story, welcome, and I hope you enjoy._

 _If you read another one of my stories, a Chicago Fire one called 'A Million Possible Futures', I thought it would be fun to tie them together. There's a spoiler for future chapters within this. I promise I will get around to writing more of that one soon._

 **Chapter 4**

Halstead opened the front door of his apartment to Antonio Dawson carrying a stack of cardboard boxes. Behind him, there was the sound of little feet thudding up the stairs.

"Hey man" Jay said, taking the boxes from Antonio.

Antonio smiled. "Hey. Since neither of us have ever been a nine year old girl, I though I would bring along a helper for some decorating tips. I hope that's alright."

The owner of the footsteps appeared behind her father. "I've never been a nine year old girl either, Dad" said Chrissy cheekily. Antonio rolled his eyes at his daughter but smirked. He was used to her backchat.

"Alright smarty pants" Antonio said, shoving her playfully. "Get in there. And take your shoes off."

Tall for her age, skinny, seven years old and full of sass, Christina Dawson was every bit her mother's daughter. She shrugged off her coat and grinned up at Jay. "How's it going?"

"Hey kiddo" Jay said. "Thanks for helping."

"She's only here because I promised her a hot dog and ice cream at IKEA" Antonio said, watching his daughter abandon her boots and coat on the floor by the door and run inside. "Sylvie's taken the boys to their swimming lesson, it's a testament to how boring Chrissy finds watching them that she chose tidying and painting instead."

"And hot dogs and ice cream" came the call from the living room. Antonio ignored her.

"Thanks for coming over, I needed some help. Will's working and there wasn't really anyone else I could ask." Not Hailey, Jay thought. He couldn't start relying on her now, he'd never be able to break the habit. But still, even after all this time, she was still the first person he thought to call and he had to fight hard to resist that instinct.

"Not a problem" Dawson said. "We're happy to help, aren't we Ranger?"

Antonio looked past Jay to see what his mischievous daughter was up to. She had her head in the refrigerator and her reply was muffled. She closed the door a minute later and appeared in the hallway again. "Uncle Jay, can I have a soda please?"

"Sure" he said. "But only if you bring us some too."

"Great" said Antonio, shooting Jay a look. "Because she's not hyper enough already you want to give her sugar."

Jay shrugged as he opened the door to his spare room and flicked on the light switch. Although it wouldn't be a spare room for much longer. He looked at the stacks of boxes filled with his belongings and odd pieces of furniture and tried to imagine this as a bedroom for his little girl. The idea seemed to crazy to him, he had to keep reminding himself often that this wasn't just a dream or a trick someone was playing on him. In a matter of days Mariella might be here. Part of him was excited, but the larger part of him was terrified.

When he was in Phoenix getting to know Mariella, Jay had begun to come around to the idea that he was up to the job of caring for her, raising her. Of being her father. But since he'd been back in Chicago, the idea was somehow more real and more terrifying than ever and he'd begun to doubt himself.

"I started sorting through this junk to send to storage and to Goodwill" Jay said, turning his attention back to Antonio. "I didn't realise I owned so much crap. When I moved in I dumped everything I didn't need in here and shut the door and haven't thought about it since."

Jay had been the one to move out of the home he and Hailey had shared. It seemed only fair, since their marriage falling to pieces was mostly his fault. He'd packed up his belongings and rented this apartment and closed the door, literally, on reminders of his old life. At the time he thought he wouldn't be here for long, just until he got his life together and found somewhere better to live. But almost a year had passed and that hadn't happened. And now it looked like he was here to stay, at least for the time being.

Antonio caught the look on Jay's face and sprung into action. He knew that look. It was the look that said his friend was in danger of getting consumed by his thoughts and that never led anywhere good. "Come on, let's get started." Antonio clapped Jay on the shoulder and picked up the first box.

"I've only got the hire van for one day" Jay said, nodding. "If we're going to get this all done today we should start."

"Chrissy, get in here" Antonio called. He looked up to see Chrissy sliding down the hallway in her socks, three cans of diet coke clutched in her hands. She expertly came to a stop in the doorway before she crashed into the door frame and flung her arms up in triumph.

Antonio shook his head but smiled. "Quit goofing around and pass me the packing tape."

Chrissy dumped the coke cans on top of a box. "I dropped them on the floor" she said sheepishly. "You might not want to open them for a while." She picked up the tape, not waiting for a reaction, and skipped into the room.

"Thank you baby" Antonio said. "You have to earn your ice cream alright?"

Chrissy nodded, eager to prove that she could be helpful and wasn't only here so she didn't have to watch her brothers swim. Any opportunity to prove either of her parents wrong, she would take it. "Tell me what to do."

"Here" Jay said, clearing a path across the floor to the opposite corner to a bookshelf crammed with paperbacks he'd never read and never really intended to. "I'm giving all these books to Goodwill. Can you put them in boxes for me please?"

"Yup." Chrissy said with a grin. She grabbed a coke and bounced across the room.

"You'll shake up your soda again" Antonio told her, and a second later he was proved right as a spray of coke shot into the air.

"Oops" Chrissy said. She wiped a sticky layer of soda from the books stacked on the floor with the sleeve of her hoodie.

"Alright" Antonio said, shaking his head. "How about you drink your soda and then help?"

"Ok. Sorry Daddy" she said. She picked up her can and left the room. Antonio ruffled her hair as she passed.

Jay watched Antonio and Chrissy with interest, seeing the easy way they interacted and teased each other filled him with longing. It was the kind of father/daughter relationship he hoped he'd have with Mariella one day, but Antonio had been in Christina's life from the second she was born. They'd had seven years to get to this point, Jay wouldn't have that luxury.

Antonio noticed the look on Jay's face. "Hey man, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, it's just…" Jay trailed off. He didn't know how to put into words what he was feeling. Antonio put a firm hand on his shoulder.

"I get it" Antonio said.

"Do you?" Jay didn't mean to sound defensive but that's how it came out. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I've seen you with all your kids, you have such a great relationship with them. I'm jealous." Jay gestured towards where Chrissy had wandered. "I want that."

"You'll get there" Dawson said. "I know it."

"I wasn't there, Tonio. I should have been there."

"That wasn't your fault."

"Will Mariella see it that way?" Jay turned away and went to sit on the edge of the bed.

Antonio sighed. He shifted a box aside to make room to sit down too. "Look, you can't do anything about the past. And who knows how Mariella will see things in the future. Being a father is hard at the best of times, I won't lie, but the important thing is you have the future. You're in her life now, and the way you're feeling now tells me that you want to do things right. You won't have to do it by yourself either, we're all here to help." Antonio stood up. "Come on. I'll start on the closet."

Chrissy was back in the doorway, neither man noticed she was standing there. "I think you'll be a good Dad, Uncle Jay" she said with the kind of blind confidence only a child could have. She didn't elaborate, just marched passed Jay and her father and resumed her spot by the bookcase.

Jay allowed himself a small smile but it faded quickly. He wished he had as much confidence as Chrissy.

* * *

"Did we pick the right colour?" Jay asked. "What if she hates it? Camila's letter said her favourite colour was green but there were like 20 different shades…"

"I like it" Chrissy said. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and left a smear of paint behind. "It reminds me of being in the park."

"She does like being outside."

Chrissy nodded, satisfied. "I'm hungry" she said. "Are we almost done?"

At the top of the step ladder, Antonio was finishing the last spot, only a small patch of white could still be seen. "Almost Ranger" he said. "The first coat anyway." He put the roller back in the paint tray and climbed down. "She won't care what shade of green it is" Antonio said to Jay. "She'll love it."

Jay looked around the room. It was bare of furniture save for the fitted wardrobe, and a dustsheet covered the carpet. But already Jay could picture what it would look at once the newly purchased furniture was in place. He could picture the flowery rug on the floor and the drapes at the window. He could picture teddies on the bed and crayon drawings on the walls. He could picture pyjamas discarded on the patchwork quilt and toys spilling out of the toy box. In short, he could picture this room lived in. He could almost feel Mariella here already.

Antonio slung his arm around Chrissy's shoulders. "What do you think kid?"

"It's cool" she said. "When will it be done?"

"Gotta let the first layer of paint dry before we can do anymore" Jay said. "Are you going to come back and help?"

Chrissy nodded enthusiastically but Antonio looked less sure. "We'll see" he said. He kissed the top of his daughter's head. "You have paint in your hair."

Chrissy looked up at her Dad with her big green eyes. "You do too. And on your sweater." Chrissy grinned. "Can you imagine the mess if Matty and Gabe were helping?"

Antonio laughed. "Yeah, I can imagine. It's probably a good thing they're not."

Chrissy giggled. There wasn't much she enjoyed more than ganging up on her older brothers. But then a thought occurred to her "Uncle Jay?"

Jay turned to the little girl.

"When is Mariella coming?"

It was a fair question, but one that Jay couldn't answer. He was still being evaluated by the social worker, this was not a done deal yet. They had been positive on the last visit and said they hoped to get everything finalised within a week, but Jay was still expecting all this to be snatched away from him any second. "I don't know yet" he said to Chrissy, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.

"Ok" she said. "Can I come and play when she is? She can come to the stables too and see Kizzy! Does she like horses?"

Jay didn't know that either. He didn't know a lot of things about his daughter but he hoped he would find them all out soon.

Antonio noticed the troubled look cross Jay's face. "Enough questions ok Chris? We've got to get going."

"Oh" Chrissy moaned. "But the bed's not put together yet. And the dresser…"

"I thought you were hungry?" Antonio questioned his child. "I promised your Mom and brothers I'd cook dinner tonight and it's getting late."

"We can get take-out here?" Chrissy said, a hopeful expression on her face.

"Nice try. But you can help me chose what to cook at home."

"Spaghetti!"

"Spaghetti it is. Go was your hands and get your shoes on."

Chrissy ran from the room and both men watched her go. "Thanks so much for your help, I mean it" Jay said.

Antonio shrugged. "No problem. I can come back tomorrow and help with the furniture after work if you like?"

Jay shook his head. "No, I've got it. I thought you said Diego was visiting tomorrow anyway."

"He is, but if you need my help…"

Jay cut him off. "No. You should be with your family.

* * *

It was late when Jay's intercom buzzed and he threw down the screwdriver he was holding in frustration. It could be the paint fumes or it could be the beer he'd drunk to try and help him relax, but he couldn't make head nor tail of the instructions to assemble this bed frame. He took a deep breath to stop him from punching something. The buzzer sounded again. He struggled to his feet and padded to the front door in his socks.

"Who is it?"

"It's me."

There was only one person who would say that. When he didn't say anything in reply Hailey continued. "Jay, can I come up?"

Jay blinked. "Er, yeah. Just a minute."

He pressed the door release button from downstairs and unlatched the apartment door. He returned to the living room and took another swig of beer. Jay heard the door close and footsteps in the hallway. "Looks good" Hailey said, ducking her head into the freshly painted room. "I hear you had some help from the littlest Dawson."

"Yeah, although I'm not sure 'help' is the right word. She's a handful."

Hailey laughed. "You better get used to it." She followed Jay's voice and found him sitting once again in amongst flat-packed furniture chaos. She laughed. "Having some trouble?"

Jay waved the instruction sheet in the air. "I thought these things were supposed to be simple."

Hailey threw her coat onto the sofa and joined Jay on the floor. "You always sucked at DIY. Do you remember trying to tile the kitchen?" She laughed at the memory but caught the sombre look on Jay's face and stopped. Hailey was at a place now where she could think back to the happy moments of their marriage without feeling angry and upset. She forgot sometimes that Jay wasn't there yet, that the guilt of their breakup still haunted him. "I'm sorry. Here, let me see if I can figure this out."

Jay slumped back against the sofa. "I can't even put her bed together" he said, defeated. "How am I going to do everything else?"

Hailey sighed. "You will. You'll have to. But you don't need to do it alone. I'll be here. Dawson, Atwater, Will and Natalie, the whole team. We're here for you."

Jay ran his hands through his hair. "It's not the same though is it? It's my responsibility, but I've made a pretty bad mess of my own life, I don't want to wreck Mariella's too. I wouldn't blame social services if they find some reason for Mariella to stay in Phoenix. Maybe it would be for the best."

Hailey turned to Jay. "Stop it" she said roughly. Sometimes it was what he needed. "You've gotta cut yourself some slack. You've known you have a kid for what, three weeks? This wouldn't be easy for anyone. But look, you're already trying to make a home for her. You love her, and you're trying. That's kind of all that matters." She put her hand on his leg and Jay opened his eyes. "Listen to me Jay" she said. "You've not wrecked your life."

"I wrecked our marriage though."

Hailey closed her eyes. She couldn't have this conversation again. She had tried countless time to make Jay see that it wasn't all his fault and she found it exhausting. He didn't want to see that she had made mistakes too, all he saw was his addiction and refused to put any blame on Hailey. It would be sweet if it wasn't so infuriating. "We're both to blame for that" she said. "You know what I think? I think you'll wreck Mariella's life if you don't step up. She knows about you now, how will she feel if you reject her?" It was a low blow and Hailey knew it, she didn't believe for a single second that Jay would do that, but her comment did the trick. It ignited something in Jay. He showed some fight.

"I would never do that" he said, sitting up. "I couldn't never abandon my child. I feel so guilty for not being there for her, I'd do anything to be there now."

Hailey smiled. "I know. I just said all that so you'd stop feeling sorry for yourself." She picked up the manual again and the bag of screws.

"You can't keep rescuing me" Jay said sadly. "You're not my wife. Not practically, anyway."

"You're still my colleague though. And my friend, I hope. I still care about you Jay. And you still suck at DIY."

Jay threw his hands up in surrender. "Knock yourself out."

Hailey smiled, but then she got a look in her eyes that Jay knew so well. It was a look that said she wanted to say something but was hesitant.

"What?" Jay asked, but he kind of already knew the answer.

"Are you going to meetings Jay?"

"Hailey…"

"Your whole life is turning upside down, it's enough to throw anyone into a spin."

"I've been so busy."

"Jay. Come on. I know you. I know you need it. Please?"

Jay looked into Hailey's eyes and knew in that second she still had this power over him. He couldn't deny her anything, and her certainly couldn't hurt her on purpose. He nodded slowly. "Yes. I'll go. Tomorrow. I just have so much to sort out."

* * *

"Her flight just landed, Hailey. She'll be here in less than an hour and I'm freaking out."

Hailey picked up her phone after the first ring when she saw who was calling but didn't even have a chance to say hello before Jay started talking.

"Jay, breathe. You've got this." Hailey got up from her desk and walked to the more secluded break room. She perched on the counter top. "Everything's ready, you couldn't be more prepared if you tried. I'm not the only one who thinks so either. They wouldn't be bringing her to you if they didn't think you were ready."

Jay's breathing slowed and Hailey felt an ache in her heart. She wanted to hug him, to calm him down.

"I wish we were doing this together" Jay said in a hushed voice. It was like he had ready Hailey's mind.

"Jay…"

"I know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But you'd know exactly what to do."

"You will too, I promise. Use your instincts, you'll get through. I'm here if you need me Jay but I really think you should try on your own, for Mariella's sake. It's just the two of you now. She needs to know she can rely on you. I believe in you. You've got this."

Jay didn't say anything for a long time but Hailey could hear him breathing into the mouthpiece. "Thanks Hailey" he said eventually. "I needed to hear that."

"Would you like me to stay on the line until she gets there?" Hailey asked.

Jay took a deep breath. Yes, more than anything. But Hailey was right about the fact he had to learn to deal with this by himself. In no time at all a scared and homesick little girl was going to arrive at his door and he would have to be strong for her.

"No. Thank you though. I can do this."

"Yes, you can."

Jay stood in the doorway to Mariella's bedroom after he ended the call. The walls were finished and the furniture was in place. A huge brown teddy courtesy of Natalie was sitting on the pillow. With Chrissy's help in the DIY store, Jay had picked out a forest mural that now lined three walls of the room, and the drawing Mariella had given him that first day they met was framed above her bed.

He'd painted the room, he'd bought her clothes, he'd even made enquiries about enrolling her in school He'd picked up groceries and 'No More Tears' shampoo. He was ready for Mariella's imminent arrival in every practical way he could think of. But he was terrified.

By the time there was a knock at his door Jay's heart was pounding out of his chest. She was here, his little girl was here. Jay still couldn't believe that anyone in authority had found him fit to be a parent, but somehow he had passed all their checks and she was finally here. Mariella was on the other side of the door.

Jay took a deep breath to centre himself and walked down the hallway with purpose. He opened the door.

"Diane" he said, surprised to see the social worker. Jay didn't know who he was expecting, but it wasn't her. The woman who had brought him news of his daughter was here to bring her to him for real. Beside her, Mariella stood nervously. She looked up at Jay with wide eyes. She looked about as scared at Jay felt and it hurt him to see her looking so lost. Jay crouched down in front of her. "Hi Mariella" he said, smiling warmly. It was no effort at all. In a strange way seeing her here in Chicago calmed him.

Mariella smiled back weakly but didn't speak. "Hello" Diane said, breaking the silence. She ushered Mariella inside gently and lifted her small suitcase out from the hallway. Jay stood up and closed the door behind her.

"She's brought a few things from Phoenix" Diane said, briskly efficient as always. It was comforting to Jay in a way. At least one grown-up in this room knew what they were doing. "Here's some important documents you need. Her passport, birth certificate, that sort of thing." She took a brown envelope from her purse. It was spookily similar to another envelope she'd handed him once. The envelope that had set his life on a new wonderful trajectory that lead up to this moment. "There's also a schedule of some follow up appointments with my office." Jay took it and stared at it. He felt overwhelmed and it must have showed on his face as Diane said, "We're here to support you, okay? Anything you need, we want to make sure this works out for everyone."

"Would you like some tea or something?" Jay asked. He still stared at the envelope.

"No thank you" Diane politely declined. "I think it's best for tonight if I leave you to it." She turned her attention to the child who was still standing just inside the door. It was though Mariella had lost the ability to move of her own accord. Her eyes darted around the apartment, struggling to take everything in. "Mariella, I'm leaving now" Diane said. "Is that ok?" Mariella nodded bravely and Diane smiled. "Good night."

Suddenly they were alone. Jay was alone with his daughter. The thought was insane, and wonderful, and petrifying all at once, but if he was feeling scared he couldn't imagine how Mariella was feeling. He dropped the envelope on the side table and once again crouched down to her level. "I'm so happy you're here" he said. He had never meant anything more in his life. "Can I take your jacket for you? Are you hungry? Or thirsty? Your room's all ready if you'd like to sleep." Jay stopped. He was rambling. Mariella looked completely shell shocked, her eyes wide. "I'm sorry" Jay said, giving her what he hoped was a friendly and welcoming smile. "I'm a little nervous too."

Mariella opened her mouth as if to say something but instead looked up into Jay's face and burst into tears.


	5. Chapter 5

_Happy New Year everyone! This chapter's a little shorter than I usually write, but I wanted to get something out. Thank you for your feedback so far, it's very much appreciated. I hope you enjoy this._

 **Chapter 5**

It was all too much for Mariella and it was as though every tiny piece of emotion she'd felt since her mother died was bursting free at once. Jay was shocked by her outburst but refused to let himself freeze. He might be scared, but he wasn't a nine year old child who had just been uprooted from her life and everything and everyone she knew. Jay didn't have the luxury of being terrified anymore. He didn't have the right. Mariella needed him to be strong and steady and sure of himself. He took a deep breath.

Jay was still crouched on the floor of his entryway in front of Mariella. He could tell from the fierce look on her face that she was trying to hold back her tears, she was trying to be strong and brave. Her little fists clenched tight with effort but her sobs were uncontrollable.

"Hey, it's ok" Jay said. But it wasn't, not for Mariella, not really. She didn't look at him, her eyes were squeezed shut. Jay reached out and gently touched the sleeve of her jacket. She didn't recoil from his touch, that was a good sign, but still she cried. Jay was beginning to get cramp in his legs but it didn't even occur to him to move. He couldn't explain why, but he felt it was important to stay where he was in front of his daughter. He would be doing that a lot in the coming weeks and months, following his instincts instead of drawing on any kind of knowledge or experience.

He wanted to pull Mariella into his arms, to comfort her, but it was too soon to initiate that kind of intimacy. He had been warned to take things slowly, to let Mariella dictate when their relationship reached that level. He wanted to be the one she turned to for reassurance and he felt sure that in the future he would be, but right now all he could do was be there and let her cry out whatever she was feeling.

Eventually Mariella calmed down. Her eyes were red and she hiccoughed occasionally as the last vestiges of shock left her body. She stood quietly, looking at Jay with her big hazel eyes. Jay was calmer now that she was calmer, his heart had finally stopped pounding. He offered her a smile as he stood up.

"Would you like to take your jacket off?" Jay asked. It was warm in his apartment, the heating was turned up high against the icy wind outside. Mariella nodded and started to pull one arm out of the sleeve. "Here, let me help you" Jay said. He took the jacket from Mariella and hung it on the coat hook by the front door.

Seeing Mariella's small bright red jacket hanging next to all his large dark and bulky coats made Jay stop. There was something very strange and wonderful at the same time about seeing the child's garment hanging there. It looked so out of place but it made him smile. When he turned around Mariella was watching him, a curious look on her face. She hadn't said a word since she'd entered the apartment, and her eyes, when not shut tightly, hadn't left Jay. He couldn't begin to imagine what was going through her mind and he didn't try to guess. But it seemed as though she was scared to look around, like she was trespassing.

"Let me show you the apartment" Jay said. He fought the urge to be overly enthusiastic and bright to try and counterbalance Mariella's quiet solemnity. Instead he spoke quietly and softly, afraid to scare her further into her shell. He turned and took a few steps into his apartment but stopped when he realised Mariella wasn't following him. He turned and nodded to her encouragingly. "It's alright" he said. "I promise."

Still unsure, Mariella shuffled after Jay as he showed her where everything was. The kitchen, the bathroom, the balcony, his bedroom. Seeing his place through Mariella's eyes he realised just how much of a bachelor pad it was, all dark soft furnishings and shiny surfaces. He would change that, make it homelier. Jay was sure Natalie would relish the chance to give his apartment a mini makeover. Perhaps he could even ask Mariella to pick a few things out. He smiled to himself at the thought but he was getting ahead of himself.

"This is your room" Jay said when they reached the door. He switched the light on. He watched as Mariella's eyes widened when she saw it and his heart gave a leap. "I hope you like it" he said. "My boss's little girl Chrissy helped me pick out the colours."

Mariella wandered slowly into the room looking around. Jay stood outside the doorway just watching her. She touched the dresser and the curtains and the bedspread as if she was making certain they were real.

"I like green" Mariella said. Her voice was hoarse from her crying.

"I remembered" he said and saw the surprise and glee that briefly crossed Mariella's face. Now he was the one that felt like crying because something as simple as remembering his daughter's favourite colour could make her happy.

Mariella had spoken, for the first time since she'd arrived and that simple act seemed to break down a barrier between them. Still Jay held back, not wanting to come on too strongly. But he took it as some kind of cue and stepped into the room.

"I bought you some clothes" he said, opening the closet door. "Just a few. We can go shopping for more when you're ready."

Mariella sat down on the bed and reached for the teddy bear. "Is this for me?" she asked, stoking its soft brown fur.

"Of course" Jay said. "It's from my brother and his family, kind of a 'welcome to Chicago' gift." She picked up the bear and held it on her lap. Jay reached the top shelf of the closest and brought down a bag and Mariella watched him, her eyes absorbing every movement.

"This one's from me" Jay said. "I'm sorry I didn't have time to wrap it up or anything." He handed the bag to Mariella and she took it timidly, opening it and peering inside. She pulled out a large cuddly owl. It was dark grey and white with droopy eyes and fluffy ears and its wings stuck out sideways.

Jay was faintly embarrassed but he couldn't explain why. "I saw that in the toy store and I thought it was cute." He jammed his hands in his jeans pockets. "Chrissy named it Olaf but I think it's just because she's obsessed with Frozen. You can call it whatever you want."

Mariella put the teddy aside and held the owl out in front of her by the wings. "I like that movie too." She regarded the toy. "Olaf the owl. I like it." She looked up at Jay, her eyes bright and for the first time since she'd arrived, she smiled. "Thank you."

That smile melted Jay's heart. It might be deep winter outside with the threat of snow any second, but his heart was filled with such warmth he could have been on a Caribbean beach. He lifted Mariella's little suitcase into her bedroom. "I'll let you unpack. Call me if you need anything."

Jay made as if to leave but caught the frown on Mariella's face. Something was troubling her. The smile that had graced her face just a moment ago had faded. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Jay asked.

For a moment Mariella didn't say anything. Jay could see a question rolling around I her mind but couldn't even guess at what it might be. "What do I call you?" she asked eventually.

Jay should have expected this question but in all this time preparing for this moment, when his daughter would arrive, it hadn't occurred to him. He walked across the room and crouched down in front of where Mariella was sitting on the bed. "How about Jay?" he said. "It's my name after all." He grinned and watched as the frown left Mariella's sweet face. It didn't need to be said, the 'D' word, not until Mariella was ready. He didn't want to pressure her, he wanted her to feel comfortable in his apartment and his company.

Outside it was getting dark and Jay snuck a look at his watch. What time was her bedtime? He realised that he didn't have knowledge of this fundamental fact. But tonight, it wasn't important. "Are you hungry?" he asked. Mariella nodded slowly. "Great. I'll go and see what I can find while you unpack, okay?"

A while later, Jay turned from the stove to wipe his hands on the dish cloth lying on the kitchen island to find Mariella standing in the doorway silently, her arms by her side. She seemed timid, waiting for permission to speak or move, her eyes darted around like she was itching to say something but was afraid to speak. "Is everything okay Mariella?" Jay asked. He knew it wasn't, not in the grand scheme of things. When she didn't answer, Jay tried a new tactic. "Do you want to sit down? Dinner's almost ready. I made chicken pasta."

Earlier in her bedroom, Jay had seen a glimpse of the girl he met in Phoenix. In a place she called home, surrounded by places and people she was familiar with, Mariella had been bubbly and curious, but here in his kitchen, she just looked lost. Jay wished he could do something to fix that, but he knew it would take time. There was no magic cure for the way Mariella was feeling, if there was Jay would employ it in an instant.

Mariella slowly pulled a chair out from the table and sat down. She was tense, Jay could tell, and she sat in an oddly formal stance, watching as he switched off the gas and spooned the pasta into two bowls.

"Can I have a drink of water please?" Mariella asked in a voice so quiet Jay almost didn't hear.

"Of course." He put the steaming plates on the island and reached up for a glass. "I'll move some glasses to another cupboard so you can reach them" he said, filling the tumbler from the tap. "You don't have to ask."

He carried the drink, the plates and a handful of cutlery to the table and set them down. He sat opposite Mariella, and as they ate in silence, he watched her in the corner of his eye. He didn't want to make her feel that he was staring at her, but in truth that was all he wanted to do. She was here, and she was real and he was responsible for her. Panic slowly began to rise in Jay's chest but he pushed it away, taking another bite of his dinner.

* * *

Jay couldn't sleep. In the dark everything was magnified. He lay awake staring up at the ceiling, acutely aware that Mariella was on the other side of the wall and wondering if she was sleeping too. He wanted to check on her but he didn't want to intrude, so instead he lay there churning all his worries and insecurities around in his mind. Eventually he couldn't stand it anymore and flung off the covers. He paced the room in his socks.

He wanted a meeting, but it was the middle of the night. He wanted to go for a walk but he couldn't leave Mariella alone and snowflakes were falling past the window in droves. The third option was what he wanted the most. His body was screaming at him for release but if he gave it what it wanted, his life would be over. He couldn't do that, not when things were finally getting back on track and there was a child in his life relying on him. Instead he grabbed his phone from his nightstand and walked quietly from his room to the front door. Option 4.

He put the door on the latch and stepped into the corridor outside his apartment, illuminated only by the faint glow of the security light. He stared at his cellphone. The team were in the middle of a hard case and without him there, their workload would have increased. They'd had a long shift, he was sure of it, and needed rest. It wasn't fair for him to add to Hailey's worries, selfish to even consider calling her right now, but still he dialled.

She answered with panic in her voice, groggy with sleep. "Jay? What's happened?"

Immediately he felt guilty. "Nothing. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you…" He felt right away that he'd made the wrong decision and kicked himself for being weak. He didn't have the right to lean on her for support anymore, how arrogant was he that he felt he did? "Everything's fine Hailey. I'm sorry I woke you."

Jay took his phone away from him ear to hang up but heard Hailey's voice, muffled by distance, disturb the silence of the hallway.

"No, no, it's alright. What's wrong?"

Jay's voice broke as he answered. He didn't mean for it too, but he had been trying so hard all evening to be strong for his daughter that the moment he admitted weakness that was it.

"I don't think I can do this on my own."

"You can" Hailey said sternly. She was awake now, and Jay imagined her sitting up in bed and turning on the lamp, pulling the quilt up to cover her shoulders as she gripped her phone in her hands. "I know you Jay. I know you can do it."

"I wish I had the same faith in myself." Jay slumped against the wall and sighed. What if he'd made the wrong choice? What if Mariella would've been better off staying in Phoenix with Camila's aunt? "I have no idea what I'm doing Hailey."

"Do you think any new parent knows what they're doing?" Hailey asked rhetorically. "The difference is that most of the time new parents have a tiny baby to care for with simple needs, not a fully formed little human with complex emotions who has just lost her mother. It will be hard Jay, and at times you'll probably want to scream with frustration. But you'll get through it, because you're a good man and you love her."

Jay listened to Hailey's words and his breathing slowed. He felt stupid suddenly, for freaking out when nothing had happened. He'd cooked dinner and Mariella had gone to bed without any drama. The drama he'd conjured himself in his mind. "Thanks Hailey" he said, meekly. "I'm sorry."

On the other end of the line, he heard Hailey take a deep breath. "You're not alone, Jay. You know that. I'm here for you, truly I am. But you can't call me every time you feel a little uneasy." Hailey had said something similar to Jay a few days ago, but she resisted the urge to say so. "You need to find a way to get through this yourself." Without the aid of pills, she hoped, but this was another thing Hailey didn't say. "Go to sleep Jay. Everything will seem better in the morning."

Jay said goodnight and hung up, but he stayed sitting on the floor for a while longer, staring at the worn carpet tiles and trying to calm down. Eventually he heaved himself up from the floor and pushed open the door.

Mariella stood in the hallway in her pyjamas. It was dark, but as the light from the corridor filtered in Jay could see her eyes glistening with tears.

"I couldn't find you" she said. Jay noticed she was shaking. "I had a bad dream and I couldn't find you."

"I was just out in the hallway. I was on the phone and I didn't want to disturb you" he said, but it sounded too much like an excuse to Jay and he kicked himself.

"I thought you'd left me" Mariella said, and Jay's heart broke.

Ignoring all the self-control he'd mustered earlier that afternoon, to not over step or get to intimate, he rushed to Mariella and knelt down at her feet. He took both of her hands in his. They were warm and damp with either sweat or tears but he held them tight and looked up into her big brown eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. Do you hear me? I'm here. I promise."

Mariella was quiet. Jay had a horrible feeling that she didn't believe him. That she hadn't even been with him a day and already he'd broken her trust. He let go of her hands and was about to stand up, suggesting they go back to bed when Mariella threw her arms around his neck put her head on his shoulder. The action caught Jay unawares and he let out a gasp of surprise. But he put his own arms around her tentatively, and gently hugged her back.

Just then, crouched on the floor of his hallway at 2:15am on a cold February night, Jay felt happier than he previously had in his life.


	6. Chapter 6

_This chapter went somewhere I wasn't expecting it to. That's the beauty of writing I guess! While this story will of course be primarily about Jay and Mariella, it felt right to include the other characters a bit more. I've been writing 'A Million Possible Futures' for long enough that it kind of feels like cannon to me, so I had to include the Dawsons. I also wanted to explore Hailey's thoughts a bit more. Jury's out on where this will lead._

 _I hope you enjoy it. Any feedback you have will be gratefully received._

Chapter 6

Mariella was not in her bed when Jay woke up the next day and he panicked for a moment, until he walked into the living room and found her with her face pressed up against the french doors to his balcony. Is this what his life would be like from now on, Jay thought, a series of mini panic attacks whenever his child was out of his sight? Or was it only because this was the start of the first full day of having her in his care? Jay was too tired to wonder just yet. There was no hope of pondering existential questions before he'd had a coffee.

"Good morning" he said. He yawned and ran his hand through his hair.

Mariella turned around and there was a huge grin on her face. "There's so much snow." She went back to looking through the glass onto his balcony and the street below and Jay shuffled up beside her.

Outside, everything was white. The few snowflakes he'd seen when he got up in the night to call Hailey had turned into a full on blizzard, and although it had stopped snowing now, everything he could see was covered in deep snow.

"I have some errands to run today" Jay said. "Boring stuff. But then how about we go an play in the park?"

Mariella turned to him again, her eyes shining. "Yes please. But I don't have any gloves. Or a hat. It doesn't snow in Phoenix."

Jay smiled too. Her enthusiasm was infectious. "Then I guess we know what our first errand is going to be."

Later, full of breakfast and dressed, Mariella wrapped up as warm as she could be in clothes not exactly designed for February in Chicago, they were ready to leave. Jay couldn't believe he'd forgotten to buy her a warm coat or a hat and gloves. The first items on what was probably a very long list of things it hadn't even occurred to him to get. Instead she wore two bulky jumpers underneath her woefully inadequate jacket and had a pair of his woolly socks on her hands. The affect was comical and Mariella didn't seem to mind, but to Jay it was just evidence of his complete ineptitude at being a parent.

* * *

For a weekday morning, the mall was surprising busy. Older couples and Mom's pushing prams crowded the place. But then Jay saw groups of teens and parents with older kids and then he understood. Snow day. Jay took Mariella's hand. He was aware that it was a bold gesture when he'd only officially been her guardian for a day but it was necessary to prevent her getting lost in the crowd.

It felt strange, her small soft little hand in his, but it felt real. Very little about this whole situation, much less the last 12 hours felt real, but he tried not to think about it or make a big deal. Mariella seemed nervous, but he couldn't work out whether it was the crowds or being with him that was doing it. Jay decided that for now, he wouldn't ask.

In the second store they went into Mariella's face lit up when she saw a bright rainbow striped hat with a big pink bobble and matching scarf and mittens. "These ones?" Jay asked and she nodded eagerly.

"Good choice." The cheery lady behind the sales desk beamed down at Mariella as she scanned their items. "Perfect for a snow day. I bet you're happy not to be at school, huh?"

"Yes" Mariella replied politely, but afterwards she was quiet. Jay had come to realise over the short period of time that Mariella had been in his life that he had a very thoughtful and sensitive little girl on his hands. She felt everything deeply and considered everything carefully and it was forcing Jay to do the same.

By some miracle they managed to find a table in the corner of the coffee shop and Mariella sat with the bags while Jay went to buy their drinks. He made sure she was within sight the whole time, and that she could see him, remembering how panicked she was last night when she couldn't find him. Jay watched her. She sat quietly and patiently, the complete opposite to every other child in the place who chattered loudly and ran around, high on the freedom last night's snow storm had provided.

Jay walked back to the table with a large black coffee for himself and a hot chocolate, complete with whipped cream and marshmallows for Mariella. He held his wallet in his teeth as he carried the drinks, and when he'd set them down he took it out so he could talk. "Is everything ok Sweetie?" he asked. He stopped. The pet name just slipped out, too soon probably, but Mariella didn't seem to notice.

She took a moment longer to consider her reply. "Will I go to school?"

Jay felt a tiny amount of relief that this was what she was worrying about. This was something he could answer, something he could fix. Jay sipped his coffee. "Yes, you will. But not until you've settled here and you're ready. There's no rush."

"Won't I get in trouble? For missing lessons?"

"No, of course not. Everyone understands why. And if you need some extra help when you do go back, that's ok too. I've found a school already, I've spoken to your teachers. We'll go for a visit soon, see if you like it."

Mariella nodded but Jay could see that there was still so much going on in her head, so many worries that he couldn't even take a guess at. He took the opportunity to try to at least set some of them at ease. "If there's anything else you're worried about, you can tell me and I'll try to help. That's what I'm here for."

Mariella picked a marshmallow off the top of her drink and popped it in her mouth. "It's so different here" she said. "I don't know anyone."

"You will" Jay said. "It will take a little time. There are so many people who are dying to meet you. My brother and his family, the people I work with. And I know they'll love you."

' _As I love you'_ Jay wanted to say, but it was definitely _definitely_ too soon for that. Instead he smiled.

"When?"

"When will you meet them? Whenever you're ready."

"I think maybe soon" Mariella said. Jay could see she was really trying, she was trying to be brave and embrace her new life and he was so proud.

"You better drink that chocolate before it gets cold" Jay said. "Then we need to go and find you a nice warm coat."

* * *

In the hiking and outdoors store on the top floor of the mall, Jay lifted a coat off the rail and held it up for Mariella to see. It was a purple and green ski jacket, not too girly but not boring either, and it looked snuggly and warm and perfect. "How about this one?"

Mariella was a little way away looking at another rack but when she turned around she smiled.

"Let's see if this is yoursize." Jay helped her take off her jacket and held the coat up so she could slide her arms into the sleeves. He pulled up the zipper and stood back to look at her. It fitted perfectly. "You like it?" Mariella nodded. "Great. Then I think we're done. Let me find my wallet and we'll go pay."

Jay crouched down to retrieve his own coat that he'd slung on top of their shopping bags on the floor. Mariella stretched out her arms, checking the fit and admiring the coat. It was warm, too warm for the mall, but she smiled, thinking about the promise of playing in the snow. But then the price tag fell out the sleeve.

When Jay stood up, wallet in hand, Mariella was shrugging off the coat like she couldn't wait to get it off and the troubled look was back on her face.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "I thought you liked it."

"I changed my mind" she said quickly. "I don't want it." She held the coat out to him, pleading with him to take it, and started towards the front of the store leaving Jay standing there, perplexed. "Hey, where are you going?" He caught up with her. "You can't just walk out the store." Mariella stopped but looked down at the floor, not at Jay. Jay still held the coat, the rest of their belongings forgotten. "What's wrong?"

Mariella wouldn't meet his eye, and she spoke so quietly Jay had to lean in close to hear her. "It's too much" she said. "It's too much money."

Jay sighed. He hadn't even checked the price tag honestly, it didn't matter to him and he felt a pang of regret that it mattered to Mariella. He looked at the price now. It was expensive, it was true, but she needed it and she liked it and Jay wanted to make her happy. Jay put his hand gently on Mariella's back.

"Don't worry about that" he said. She finally looked up at him. "Let me worry about it, ok? It's my money. I can spend it on what I like." Jay smiled, trying to coax a smile from Mariella.

"Mama never had enough money" she admitted. "We could never have expensive things."

Countless times since he learned he had a daughter Jay had wished he could have been there and helped out as she was growing up. This was just one other time. He had money, he would have helped them out. If only he knew, if only Camila has asked. Of course, money was not the most important thing, not even close. Camila had clearly done a great job raising Mariella, even if sometimes they couldn't afford everything they needed, but it sure would have helped.

"Well, now you don't have to worry money. You're a kid, it's up to me to think about this stuff. If something's too expensive, I'll say so ok?"

Mariella nodded slowly.

"Alright then. Let's go pay for this, then I think we're almost done and we can go to the park."

* * *

"Uncle Jay!"

Even above the din of the crowd, one little voice calling his name was unmistakable. Jay looked up to see Chrissy frantically waving at him from the opposite balcony. Sylvie was behind her, carrying their shopping, and she smiled at Jay too.

Jay stood in front of the store they'd just walked out of, Mariella beside him, and waited for the Dawson girls to walk around to join them.

"Hey kiddo" Jay said. Chrissy had a big smile on her face. Snow day fever.

"Hi." Sylvie looked from Jay down to Mariella and smiled. "You must be Mariella. How are you?"

Jay took a deep breath. Of all the people he knew, he didn't think Sylvie and Chrissy Dawson would be the first people he'd introduce to his daughter, but here they were. Mariella was shy, and he spoke to her gently. "You remember me telling you about my boss? His name's Antonio. This is his wife Sylvie and his daughter Christina."

Mariella took in this information quietly. She still didn't speak. Fortunately, Chrissy was a child who spoke enough for ten people. It was exhausting most of the time, but right now it was a welcome alternative to awkward silence.

"You can call me Chrissy" she said, brightly. Sylvie put her arms around her daughter's shoulders, trying to reign in her enthusiasm as she sensed how nervous Mariella was, but it didn't put Chrissy off from her friendly introduction. "I'm seven. You're nine right? Uncle Jay told me all about you. I helped him and my Daddy get your room ready. Do you like it?"

Sylvie laughed at her daughter talking a mile a minute. "Calm down, baby. Give her some space."

Chrissy quietened down but still smiled expectantly at Mariella, waiting for an answer. Deciding this hyper child and friendly looking blonde lady were probably ok, she stood up a little straighter and stepped a little out from behind Jay. "I like it a lot" she said. "Thank you."

Leaving the girls to make their introductions, Jay turned to Sylvie who was looking at him with a mixture of concern and pride. "It's just the two of you?" Jay asked.

Sylvie nodded. "Yeah. Antonio's working."

"Snow doesn't stop the criminals or Chicago" Jay said.

"The twins are at a friends' house, but I had to call out from work, our sitter has the flu. And this one needed new shoes. I thought now was as good a time as any but I'm starting to regret it, it's so busy."

Chrissy tugged on Sylvie's sleeve to get her attention and Sylvie stroked her daughter's hair when she looked up. "They're going to the park, can we go to the park Mom?"

Sylvie looked at Jay, asking him the question. Jay in turn looked down at Mariella and the look on her face was pleading with him to say yes. Of course he couldn't deny her, and he shrugged her shoulders at Sylvie. "It's alright with me" he said.

Sylvie smiled. "Let's go then."

* * *

Jay and Sylvie sat on a bench watching the girls run around, engaged in a snowball fight with some other kids.

"Can I ask how it's going?" Sylvie ventured, cautiously. "It must be a shock for you."

"That's an understatement. She's only been here a day. I'm just trying not to mess up at this point."

"Antonio told me everything. I can't imagine what it's like, to find out you have a child after all this time."

Jay watched Mariella. She looked happier than he had seen her yet. The quiet nervous child he'd encountered so far was replaced by an outgoing, brave girl who was beginning to come out of her shell.

"Yeah, it was tough. Knowing I missed out on so much, that she's been through everything she's been through and I wasn't there for her or her mother. But I'm going to make it up to her now, I have to."

"She seems like a wonderful kid" Sylvie said.

"I can't take any credit for that. You know, you're the first people to meet her. I've not even introduced her to my brother. Or Hailey. I thought I would let her settle in first, get used to me and to being in a new city. But look at her" Jay held out his arm. "She looks so happy. Maybe meeting the people who are going to be in her life now is just what she needs."

"There's no right or wrong answer" Sylvie said. "Whether you've been a parent for 11 years as I have, or one day, you never stop wondering what the right choices are. If you feel that meeting everyone is right for her it probably is. Learn to trust your instincts. You'll do great, I know you will."

Over the years Jay had spent a lot of time with her and Antonio's children, at BBQs and summer department picnics. Sylvie had also seen him with his niece and nephews. He had an easy way with kids and she often wondered whether he regretted that he didn't have his own. Now he did, and Sylvie could see how happy it made him.

"But if you really get stuck, Antonio and I are here for you" Sylvie continued. "I want you to know that."

Jay smiled. "Thanks Sylvie. It means a lot."

Chrissy ran up to them then, breathless, and Mariella was right behind her. "Mom, I got snow down my shirt" Chrissy said with a giggle. "It's cold."

Sylvie rolled her eyes. "It's snow, Chris. It's usually cold."

"Macie and Lauren from school are here. And Robbie, but I'm still mad at him for breaking my pencil yesterday. Anyway, we had a snowball fight and I threw one that went right in his face."

Sylvie shook her head at her crazy daughter and pulled her into her arms. Jay smiled at Mariella, her cheeks were rosy and the smile on her face made her glow. "Did you have fun?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Chrissy's friends are nice."

Sylvie gathered up her handbag and fished the car keys out. She reached out a gloved hand to Chrissy. "We better get home before your brothers get dropped off" she said.

Chrissy groaned. "Do we have to? We were going to build a snowman."

"You can build a snowman in the back yard. Gabe and Matteo can help."

"They'll only ruin it" she whined. "Can Mariella come?"

Sylvie sighed. She saw that Mariella had grown a little withdrawn again, suddenly a little unsure of herself and overwhelmed perhaps at meeting new people. "Maybe another time, sweetheart" she said. She patted Jay gently on the shoulder. "Call us any time" she said. "Believe in yourself." She turned to Mariella and smiled. "It was really nice to meet you. If it's okay with your Dad perhaps we can have a playdate soon."

Jay was so grateful to Sylvie then for making such an effort, and grateful too to boisterous little Chrissy for making Mariella feel so welcome with her friends that he felt a rush of affection for them both. "Would you like that?" he asked.

"Yes please" Mariella replied. She had grown shy again, but that was ok. She seemed more relaxed and happier than she had even an hour ago. He thought over what Sylvie had told him about trusting his instincts.

"That's settled then" Sylvie said finally. "We'll set something up. Come on kid." She took Chrissy's hand and turned to go.

Jay watched at the two of them walked towards the park exit hand in hand. Chrissy chatted enthusiastically and although Jay could tell Sylvie was exhausted by her daughter, she listened indulgently and looked proud and happy to be spending time with her child. Jay longed for that.

He turned to Mariella. "Are you ready to go?" he asked. "We still need to go to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. What would you like?"

"Pizza?" she asked, hopefully.

"I love pizza. It's a deal."

* * *

They sat at the kitchen table to eat. Growing up, dinner in front of the TV was a rare treat for Jay, he didn't want to make a habit of it now with Mariella. Look at him, already making long term parenting decisions, he thought, and the thought tickled him. He was already considering what kind of parent he wanted to be, thinking about the little things that might make a difference.

"When will I see Chrissy again?" Mariella asked, reaching for her drink. "I liked her."

"Yeah, she's a sweet kid" Jay said. "A little loud and crazy. You'll see her soon. In fact, you'll probably be going to the same school as her. You won't be in the same grade, but you can see each other at recess."

Mariella smiled at this. Jay remembered from their first meeting that she liked school, and her concern earlier at the store that she was missing her classes. Mariella clearly had an appetite to learn/ Maybe getting into a routine as soon as possible would be the best thing, maybe she couldn't truly settle until she was back into living some kind of normal life. But he didn't want to rush. A couple of weeks, then he would take her to the school.

"Have you finished?" Jay asked, indicating Mariella's plate that only held pizza crusts and one piece of garlic bread that had landed on the floor. "I've got a treat for desert." He cleared the plates away and went to the freezer. He pulled out the tub of Oreo ice cream and turned back to the table with a flourish. "Let me grab a couple of spoons and we can see if we can find a movie to watch before bed."

* * *

When Antonio returned home, he was exhausted after a busy day at work. Without Jay, they had all been a little busier, but he didn't mind the extra work and he didn't think the rest of his team did either. He sighed with relief when he stepped through the front door into his nice warm house. He found his family all slumped on the big corner couch watching TV.

"Hey Dad." Matteo looked up from the car magazine he was reading. He wasn't paying any attention to the bright cartoon blaring from the screen.

"Hey buddy" Antonio answered his son. He walked up behind his wife and kissed the top of her head.

"Good day?" Sylvie asked, turning around. Antonio's silence told her no, but he didn't want to talk about it in front of the kids. She gave him a loving smile which held the promise they would talk about whatever it was later.

Beside Sylvie, Chrissy sprang up, kneeling the wrong way around on the sofa to face her father. "We met Uncle Jay and Mariella at the mall today and we played in the snow in the park."

Antonio had the beginnings of a headache forming and Chrissy wasn't the quietest child, but he could never bring himself to dampen his little girl's spirit. "Is that so?" he asked, but looked at Sylvie as he did so.

"Yeah. She's really pretty and I think we'll be friends. Mom said we can have a play date."

"That's great" Antonio said. He ruffled her hair.

"We saved you some dinner." From his spot on the floor in front of the TV, Gabriel turned around. "It's Mac and cheese."

"Thanks champ" Antonio said. "It's just what I needed."

Sylvie followed her husband through to the kitchen and put her hands on his chest, asking him silently if he wanted to talk about his day. Antonio gathered her into his arms and held her for a moment. "It was hard. We had a tough case. But I'm alright, I promise." He turned towards the counter and began to peel the tinfoil off her casserole dish. "You saw Jay? How is he?"

Sylvie paused for a second. It was just like Antonio to be more concerned about everyone else than himself, and she promised herself that she wouldn't let this go. If he wasn't going to look after himself as well as he should, it was down to her to do it for him. "He seemed good" she said. "Freaked out, but good. Mariella's gorgeous, and she and Chrissy got on together so well. I told him to call if he needed anything, but I think he'll be fine."

Antonio took this information in and nodded, happy that his old friend was embracing this new role of fatherhood, but his mind drifted back to the day he'd had and another member of his unit particularly. "Hailey's having a hard time" he admitted. "She's struggling. I can tell she wants to be there for Jay but doesn't want to intrude. And after the case we had today… I think it would really help her to know Jay is alright."

"I'll call her tomorrow" Sylvie said. She knew that was what Antonio was getting at. He didn't need to ask. Intelligence was like a second family to Antonio, so by extension they were Sylvie's family too. She knew what it was feel close to a team, she had that at Firehouse 51. "What is it with those two?" Sylvie asked. "I'll never understand. They care so much about each other, they used to be so happy. He mentioned her today."

Antonio shrugged. "They've been through a lot. Only they can decide whether they have a future. Now with a child in the mix, it's a whole lot more complicated." He forgot about the food and turned back to his wife. He hugged Sylvie tight and felt her relax in his embrace. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

Hailey Upton sat in her kitchen with an open bottle of tequila in front of her on the counter. Back when they were first partners, before they fell in love and everything got complicated, it was always her and Jay's drink of choice to wind down after a difficult day. As sweet as Callum Grant was, she was more of a mentor to him than they were equal partners, she couldn't imagine drinking with him the way she had with Jay, they didn't have that kind of dynamic. There was a lot she missed about how things used to be, but those nights with Jay, before their relationship morphed into what it became, when everything was easy and uncomplicated, that was what she missed the most.

Drinking alone was not the same. It was dangerous.

Her cellphone was beside her and she stared at it through her drunken haze. She wanted badly to call him for support. He'd understand what she was feeling about the case she and the team had to deal with today. But she thought back to what she'd said about taking a step back and knew that she couldn't. There was a barrier between them now, one that he had had a large hand in making. Besides, Jay had someone else in his life now who needed him far more than she did.

Hailey tried her best not to dwell on the past, but recently, since she'd walked into the break room that day and found Jay in tears and read Camila's letter, she had found it more and more difficult not to think about what might have been.

She'd taken a pregnancy test once. In the first couple of months of her marriage to Jay her cycle was a week late and she'd wondered. It was negative of course, and she felt a twinge of disappointment. But Jay had wrapped her up in a hug and told her it didn't matter. They weren't really ready to be parents then, there was plenty of time for a baby if that's what they decided they wanted. They were still in the honeymoon period then, felt content to be alone together in their blissful bubble for two, so after the initial disappointment Hailey felt it was probably for the best.

But time had a funny way of running out sometimes. Hailey had gone to the doctor alone for another reason. She was having terrible cramps and wanted some answers. Many weeks and many tests later, the short answer she'd received was that benign cysts on both ovaries were the cause of her pain and one of the many other symptoms this would cause would be a difficulty in conceiving. She'd received treatment, the pain had got better, and she put it to the back of her mind.

This was after Jay was shot, and although his physical symptoms had gone, the psychological ones were only just beginning. They were both struggling to deal with his addiction, and having children was the last thing they were thinking about. Hailey never told him about her diagnosis, back then it didn't seem half as important as getting him well and saving their marriage. But in hindsight Hailey recognised that as the moment she began to distance herself from the man she loved. Hiding something so monumental from him seemed like the best idea at the time, she didn't want to cause him more stress that would hinder his recovery. But in lying to him they had drifted apart and after a while there was no way to bring it up and no way to fix the irreparable damage done to their marriage.

Hailey was still not sure whether she did want kids, but she'd always regretted not being able to give Jay a child. She knew how much he had longed for fatherhood, but he hadn't talked about it often, knowing that she wasn't in the same place as he was and loving her too much to put pressure on her. Now by some miracle he was a father, and Hailey we so happy for him she wanted to cry.

Now every waking thought she had was filled with Jay and what her life might be like now if only she had told him the truth. Would they have tried harder to save their marriage? Would they still be living in the house they'd bought together still happily in love? Would she be by his side now, trying to be some kind of mother to his little girl?

Hailey Upton was not someone who had many regrets in life. But letting Jay go the way she did, that she would carry around for the rest of her life.

Hailey picked up the tequila bottle. Forgoing the glass, she tipped it back and took a long swig of the clear liquid straight from the bottle.


	7. Chapter 7

_Happy Friday all! Here's the next instalment. I hope you enjoy Mariella meeting a few more people in Jay's life. It's a long chapter, go and grab a cup of tea before you begin!_

Chapter 7

"Hey Jay." Natalie opened the front door with Lizzie on her hip and gave him a peck on the cheek in greeting. "Will got stuck in a trauma but he should be home any minute. He was going to swing by the store and get some beers too. It was kind of last minute, we weren't prepared."

Jay stood on Will and Natalie's doorstep with a cake box in his hands and Mariella clutching onto his sleeve. Mariella was the one who said she was ready to meet her cousins, but she was understandably apprehensive. She stared up at Natalie with an expression somewhere between fear and admiration.

Natalie was a paediatrician, she spoke to frightened children every day, Jay had no doubt at all that if anyone could handle this situation perfectly it was his sister-in-law. Lizzie wriggled to be put down but Natalie held her tight. She'd be out the door in a shot given half a chance. Holding the toddler meant Natalie couldn't bend down to Mariella's level, but she smiled warmly. "Hi Mariella. I'm Natalie. I'm so pleased to finally meet you." She held out her hand for a formal handshake and it made Mariella smile as she took it. "And this squirmy little miss is Lizzie."

"Hello" Mariella replied. Lizzie looked down at her curiously and Mariella touched the little girl's hand.

Natalie smiled at that gesture and looked up at Jay affectionately. "Come inside into the warm."

There was still snow on the ground even though there hadn't been a blizzard for a couple of days. They stomped off the snow clinging to their boots on the porch before stepping into the hallway and closing the door. Will and Natalie's home was instantly inviting and Jay always felt happy entering their house. It was in stark contrast to his own dark and cold apartment and he made a mental note to ask Natalie for help to make it more of a home, because he had a sneaking suspicion that his big brother had very little to do with the interior design choices.

"Owen, Zachary, come downstairs please." Natalie yelled up the stairs to her sons before walking through to the kitchen. Jay followed, guiding Mariella. He watched his daughter as she looked around silently, as always drinking everything in. She looked in awe. Jay wondered what kind of houses and apartments she had lived in before. He took a guess that they had never been as large or as impressive as this. Hell, Jay had never lived anywhere as large and impressive as this. When he and Hailey were searching for a place all those years ago, they went for location over size and lived in a modest townhouse close to work. Jay loved that house, and the memories they made there. Visiting his brother's family always made him miss that. He missed having a home, not just a place to live. He hoped he could build one again, with Mariella.

In the kitchen Natalie put Lizzie down on the floor and she scampered away, thrilled at having some freedom. "I made lasagne for dinner" Natalie said, taking the oven gloves off their hook by the stove. "I hope that's ok."

"It's perfect" Jay said. "Thank you for having us over so last minute."

"Absolutely our pleasure." Natalie turned to speak to Mariella. Her tone was one of somebody who had spent years around kids and was perfectly at ease and knew how to put them at ease too. Not only was she a brilliant doctor, she was a wonderful mother. "I've heard a lot about you. Do you like Chicago so far?"

"I like the snow" Mariella replied.

"Really?" Natalie shook her head. "I much prefer the sunshine."

"It was fun. I met a new friend and we went to the park."

"Oh yeah?" Natalie looked at Jay and he filled in the blanks.

"Chrissy Dawson."

"That's great" Natalie said, speaking again to Mariella and not to Jay. Jay could see the effect it was having on Mariella, he could tell that being the focus of Natalie's attention as she spoke to her filled her with confidence. "You know, my son Owen is on the same soccer team as Chrissy's brothers. Do you like soccer?" Natalie bent down and spoke in a theatrical whisper. "If you do, Owen will love you forever. It's all he talks about." Just them twelve year old Owen slid into the kitchen doorway in his socks. "Speak of the devil."

"Are you talking about me, Mom?" Owen asked, but he wasn't annoyed. He sounded relaxed and cheerful. "Hi" he said to Mariella. "I'm Owen." He wasted no time in trying to get to know his new cousin. "Do you like sports?"

Mariella nodded. "Yeah. I like playing outdoors. I like playing soccer."

Owen's face lit up. "It's the best. We can play. If you want."

"Not in the dark and the snow, bud" Natalie said. "Here, come and help me with the salad."

"Can I do something?" Jay asked, but Natalie waved him away.

"No way, you're the guest. I'd offer you a beer, but…"

Jay smiled. "It's alright. I can wait."

"Where's Zach?" Natalie asked but Owen shrugged.

"I'm here!" The six year old launched into the kitchen at top speed and collided with Natalie's legs.

"Steady on" she said, "be careful." She scooped him up, even though he was getting bigger and heavier every day. "Uncle Jay is here for dinner and he brought someone to meet us all. This is Mariella. She's your cousin."

Mariella smiled at the little boy. He didn't look at all puzzled or bothered by this news, just said "Hi" then turned back to his mother. "Can I have some chocolate milk please?"

"No" Natalie said firmly. Jay got the feeling that wasn't the first time today or even in the last hour that she had given the same answer to the same request. "You'll spoil your dinner. We've just got to wait for Daddy to get home then guess what we're having? Garlic bread."

Zach grinned. Inexplicably, that was his favourite food in the whole world. He bounced off into the living room, all thoughts of chocolate milk forgotten.

There was the sound of keys turning in the door then a second later, Will's shouted apologies. "I'm sorry, I got stuck at work. I've got the beer though." He kicked off his shoes then struggled through to the kitchen carrying a case of beer. He put it down on the counter top and kissed his wife lightly on the cheek.

"Hey brother" he said. He put his arms out for a hug and Jay returned it.

It felt so strange, this moment, and Jay couldn't quite figure out why. Introducing his daughter to his brother this way felt surreal. He'd always figured that if he ever did become a father, Will would be there with him the whole way, as Jay had been for Will, not only as he was becoming a part of Owen's life but when Zachary and Elizabeth were born. Now he was a father, but instead of a tiny newborn, he was introducing a fully formed little girl to his brother.

"Mariella, this is your Uncle Will." Jay held out his hand to gesture for Mariella to join him.

Will crouched down to her level as Mariella approached and looked from her to Jay with a mixture of disbelief and happiness. "Hey Mariella. It's so great to finally meet you. Welcome to our crazy family."

* * *

After dinner, as Natalie put Lizzie to bed, Jay and Will sat on the couch watching Mariella and the boys play with Lego on the living room rug. Will popped the caps off two more beers and passed one bottle to Jay.

"Wow Jay" Will said, shaking his head ever so slightly. "I can't believe it."

"You can't believe it? How do you think I feel?"

"You really had no idea?"

Jay shook his head. "None at all. I wish I had, I would have been there for Camila, you know I would."

"I know man. It's not your fault."

Jay didn't say anything. Was that true? He tried to push that thought away, now wasn't the time. But now in his older brother's company, Jay felt vulnerable, like he was a kid again. Will had a way of looking at him and getting to the bottom of exactly what he was feeling, he always had. Just then Mariella looked up, as if to check that Jay was still there, and gave him a small smile before turning back to her task. Jay watched her hand Zach a Lego brick and help him fix it onto the wall of the house they were building.

Jay took a swig of his beer. "She looks just like her" he said. He blinked, forcing the emotion back down. "Her mother. She was so beautiful. She had this smile, this light inside her. I see it in Mariella too."

Will sighed. It was a long while after the event that Will found out what exactly went down with Camila, and he still couldn't believe his brother had been so stupid as to get involved with her and jeopardise his career. But it had all happened so long ago. His feelings on it didn't really matter anymore, and whatever mistakes Jay had made, something good came from it. Will still couldn't quite believe this little girl even existed but he was happy for his brother and thought that this might just be a gift from God. He'd watched Jay's life fall apart after his accident and everything that happened since, with his addiction and his marriage failing. Until Mariella came into his life, Will had spent a lot of time worrying that Jay would spiral again. But he saw something different in him now, in the way he spoke and the way he carried himself, a new resolve to stay strong. This new responsibility was just what Jay needed to stay on the straight and narrow, Will was sure of it.

"She's beautiful" Will said. "She seems like a lovely kid."

"She is. She's amazing. I can't believe how well she seems to be adjusting, I keep waiting for something to go wrong."

"There are bound to be some set backs" Will admitted. "But you'll get through it, I know you will."

"I can't believe how much I love her already" Jay admitted. "It's like I've always known there was a piece of me missing and now I feel whole. I know I sound like an idiot saying it."

"No" Will said. He put his hand firmly on Jay's shoulder. "You sound like a parent."

* * *

"Come on then." Sylvie slid Hailey a beer across the table as she sat down in a booth at Molly's. "What's on your mind?"

Hailey accepted the beer silently. It didn't take a genius to work out what was going on here. Dawson's attempts to help her at work today hadn't worked so he sent his wife to try and fix whatever it was that was wrong. It would take more than a beer and a chat to fix this but Hailey looked up at Sylvie's friendly smile and felt bad. She was only trying to help, they both were.

They had never been that close, Hailey and Sylvie, not before she started dating Jay. They got on, of course. It was hard not to like Sylvie Dawson. But the two women had such different outlooks on life, honestly Hailey found Sylvie's relentless optimism kind of draining. But she also knew how lucky she was that she had people around her who cared.

"Thanks" Hailey said. They clinked glasses and she took a swig.

"Antonio told me you're struggling. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help."

"I've had a hell of a day. We're no closer to an arrest on this case we're working."

"That's not it" Sylvie said bluntly. "I'm married to a cop remember? I know the difference between personal troubles and work-related troubles." Sylvie took a sip of her own drink.

Hailey sighed. Why was she trying to pretend she cared about their current investigation even a fraction of the amount she cared about Jay? Sylvie could see right through her and Hailey knew it.

"You're right, it's not the job. It's everything else."

"Halstead?"

"I'm trying to keep my distance but I'm worried about him. I don't know what I can do to help, or if he even needs my help. He's taken a couple of weeks off work, I've not even seen him since Mariella came to Chicago. I just want to know he's ok."

Sylvie smiled with sympathy. She knew what it was like to not be able to help the person you cared about. Plenty of times Antonio's troubles had been way beyond anything she could help him with. She had learned over the years of her marriage that sometimes you needed to take a step back and let them work it out for themselves. But Sylvie got the feeling that now, with Hailey and Jay, was not one of those times. "He's ok" Sylvie said.

Hailey looked up from her drink in surprise. "You've seen him?" Hailey swallowed. "You've met his daughter?"

Sylvie nodded slowly. "Chrissy and I bumped into them in the mall. The girls played together in the snow. Jay seemed really good, Hailey. If you're worried he's not going to be able to cope and fall off the wagon, I don't think you need to be."

"This is such a huge thing to happen. I know how freaked out he's been. He called me the first night she arrived, he sounded on edge. God knows I've seen him like that plenty of times to know what could happen." Hailey ran her hand through her hair. Her eyes were red and there was a lump in her throat. "I just want to help him."

"You will" Sylvie said. "Just give him time."

"I'm happy for him" Hailey said truthfully. "He's always wanted to be a father. It just didn't happen for us." Hailey turned away a second and swallowed a quarter of the bottle in one gulp. If she was going to go any further down this rabbit hole, she would need something stronger.

"Remind me again why you two can't work it out?" Sylvie said, half in jest, but there was a genuine question hiding behind her jovial tone.

Hailey shook her head. "It's complicated. We both made mistakes. In the end, being together hurt too much. It's better this way, I really believe that. But that doesn't mean I've stopped caring. Part of me will always love him."

Sylvie's expression plainly said that all she was hearing were excuses that were not changing her mind. But something behind Hailey's eyes stopped her from saying so. "Hailey, are you alright? Has something happened?"

Hailey stopped. The look of genuine concern on her friends' face made Hailey want to cry. For days now, she'd been wallowing in regrets and dwelling on the fact that Jay had something now that she could never give him. A child. But she wasn't ready to share her pain with another person, even one as lovely and kind as Sylvie. Part of her resented Sylvie's life, and the rest of her felt like the worst person in the world for it. Because Sylvie had a strong loving marriage and three beautiful children and seemed to have it all together. What could she know about what Hailey was going through?

The smile Hailey gave to Sylvie was one of sorrow. "I know you mean well, but I'm not ready to share. I'm sorry."

Sylvie touched Hailey's arm. "Don't be. I get it. But when you are…"

Hailey nodded. Maybe one day she'd be ready. But right now, the only thing Hailey wanted to share her feelings with was a bottle of whisky.

"If you want to call him Hailey, you should. I'm sure he'd want to hear from you."

"They're bonding. I don't want to get in the way of that. I was pretty blunt with him the last time we spoke too. I just don't think I should interfere."

"Jay told me he thought the best thing for Mariella was to meet the people in his life, to know that she had people in this city that cared about her. That includes you."

"Not any more. Once upon a time maybe, but not now."

Sylvie sighed. Hailey was drunk and stubborn and she wondered what the use was of trying to make her see sense when she had put up a barrier around her emotions. "That's not true" the paramedic said, giving it one last try. "You're both very much in each other's lives, whether you realise it yet or not."

* * *

It was a cold and grey morning the day after the dinner at Will and Natalie's and the snow had turned to slush. But inside Jay's apartment, with the central heating turned up high, it didn't really matter. Jay had nothing to do today and nowhere to be. He slept late and Mariella did too, it was almost 11am by the time they finally made breakfast.

"I had fun last night" Mariella said, dropping her spoon into her empty cereal bowl.

Jay smiled at her from the counter where he was pouring himself a second cup of coffee. "I'm so pleased to hear you say that" he said. He pulled out his own chair at the kitchen table and sat down heavily, still feeling the affects of the beer and wine he'd drunk with dinner. They'd got a cab home last night, Jay realising that he'd had a bit too much to drink to drive home. He'd have to go and get his car at some point, but there was no hurry.

"My family are your family now" Jay continued. "I know it must be difficult and scary moving to a knew city where you don't know anyone, but I wanted you to meet my brother and his family to help you see that there are a lot of people here who care about you, even if you've not met them yet. You're not alone."

"Do you like having a brother?" Mariella asked. "I always wanted a brother or sister."

Jay thought back to all the fun he and Will had had together growing up, and also all the times they drove each other crazy and had blazing rows, much to the exasperation of their parents. "Sometimes" Jay said truthfully. He smiled.

Later, Jay and Mariella sat cross legged on the living room rug with carboard box of photographs open on the floor between them. As eager as he was to get to know his daughter, Jay realised she was probably just as keen to get to know him. It was more important for Mariella, he thought. She was a child, and she had been asked by the universe to put all her trust in this man who, although related to her by blood, was a complete stranger until not too long ago. Jay didn't know where to begin to tell her what she needed to know about him, not in words, but thought that seeing for herself evidence of events that had shaped his life so far would help Mariella to get a sense of who he was.

The photo on top of the pile was a studio shot of him in his Ranger uniform before his first tour. It felt like a lifetime ago. It _was_ a lifetime ago. He barely recognised the man looking out of the frame, but it was still an important part of who he was.

"Mom said my uncle Luis was in the military" Mariella said, looking at the picture. "He died before I was born."

Jay kept his mouth shut. She was too young to hear that sorry tale right now. Maybe one day.

"Did you like being a soldier?"

Jay thought about this. It was a difficult question. "Some parts of it. I met a lot of great people and learned a lot about myself. But I won't ever go back."

"You like being a cop?"

"I do."

Mariella rifled through the pile until she found the picture she'd seen once before, of the whole Intelligence Unit in their dress uniforms the day Antonio made sergeant. She pointed to the photo. "That's Chrissy's Dad?" she asked. She looked up at Jay and he nodded. "He's Latino. I thought he was."

"Yeah" Jay said. Stupidly, it hadn't occurred to him that she and Chrissy had more in common than simply their youth and gender and the fact their dads worked together. Jay waited for Mariella to make a further comment on that fact but she didn't, although Jay could see that thoughts were swirling around behind her eyes. He made a mental note not to forget this moment, it was important.

Amongst the pile of loose snapshots and portraits in cardboard frames, there was a small blue album and this is what Mariella picked up next.

Jay laughed. "How embarrassing" he said with a grin. "There's pictures of me when I was a kid in there."

Mariella looked up with a mischievous grin on her face and flipped the album open. The photo she came upon was of Jay aged 7 in his Little League uniform looking thoroughly fed up. Goodness knows why his mother had kept this picture, it wasn't his finest moment. "You don't look very happy" she said.

Jay leaned over to take a better look. He was so close he wanted to put an arm around her but curbed the urge. "I wasn't" he said. "I didn't like baseball very much. I prefer hockey."

The next page had a photo of Jay and Will in suits and matching green ties. Jay couldn't remember the occasion, probably a wedding of a cousin of one of his parents. He was about 11. Behind the brothers, his Mom and Dad stood smiling with their arms around each other. It was a rare moment of family togetherness. They painted the picture of a perfect happy family. It may have been true at the time, but Jay couldn't be sure it wasn't only an act for the camera. But still, Jay felt happy Mariella could see his parents.

"That's my Mom and Dad" Jay said. "They both died. I wish they could have met you."

"Your Mom's pretty" Mariella said.

"She was" was Jay's reply. He stared at the photo, and it may have been a trick of the light, or perhaps just wishful thinking on his part, but he swore, when he looked back again at Mariella's smiling face, just a hint of his mother in her.

"What's this?" Mariella picked up a white envelope, made of thick expensive paper and embossed with roses. Jay's heart began to quicken. He thought about snatching it from her hand and pretending it wasn't anything important, but that wouldn't be fair.

He took a deep breath. "They're my wedding photos" he said quietly. Or, more specifically, half his wedding photos. Jay hoped Hailey still had the rest of them hidden away somewhere safely. He hoped he hadn't messed things up with her so much that she had got rid of them in a fit of fury, but Jay wouldn't blame her if she had.

Mariella looked up, surprised. "You were married?"

Jay gently took the envelope from Mariella and undid the fastening. "I still am" he said. "Technically. But we're not together anymore, we broke up."

"The lady you work with? The one you're friends with still?"

By now Jay had realised that Mariella really listened to everything that was said to her and there wasn't a piece of information she didn't absorb. Jay would have to be careful about that in the future, he thought. There was no telling how that attribute might get him in trouble one day. "That's right. Her name's Hailey."

"Can I see the pictures?"

Jay realised that although he had opened the envelope and taken hold of the stack of photos, he hadn't pulled them out yet. Subconsciously he was preparing himself to see them again. "Of course" he said eventually, and pulled out the glossy prints.

Jay's eyes filled with tears. It was such a beautiful day, their wedding day. On a pier by the lake, the sun was shining and the birds were singing, and the small ceremony with only a handful of guests was not flashy but it was perfect. In the first photo, he and Hailey looked into each other's eyes and the joy he remembered feeling in that moment broke Jay's heart.

"You look happy" Mariella said.

A lump came to Jay's throat. "I was very happy. I was in love." Jay stopped himself from continuing. Was in love? If he was honest with himself, there was no past tense about it.

Mariella moved to the next photo, it was a more formal portrait of Jay and Hailey standing under the flower archway after the ceremony, entwined in eachother's arms. The sunlight glinted off Hailey's ring and the clear blue water behind them. Jay tore his eyes off the image to look at Mariella, wondering what the little girl could possibly be thinking. "She looks beautiful" Mariella said finally. "Her dress is very pretty."

Jay nodded. He thought so too. Given the choice, Hailey would live in jeans and sweaters with messy hair and minimal makeup every day. Jay happened to think she looked gorgeous however she dressed, but had to admit he found her extra stunning on the rare occasions she dressed up, never more than the day he married her.

The next photo was of Jay and Will and a very small Owen, all in matching suits. "Look at that" Jay said, trying his best not to show the depth of emotion he was feeling at seeing Hailey in her wedding dress again. "I'm surprised Owen stood still long enough to get a picture. I remember everyone spending most of the day trying to keep him from going swimming. He almost went in the lake once or twice."

Mariella giggled, but her mind was still on the previous photo.

"What are you thinking, honey?" Jay asked, trying to coax Mariella's thoughts from her.

"Can I meet her?" she asked.

"Hailey?"

Mariella nodded, but timidly. Like she'd said something she shouldn't have.

Jay wasn't sure how to feel about this request. Of course he wanted Hailey and Mariella to meet. But he thought it would happen until further in the future, once Mariella had settled in. Once she was at school and Jay was back at work, maybe. But Mariella appearing in his life was one of the most important and wonderful things that had happened to him, and Jay wanted so badly to share that with Hailey. But he didn't know how Hailey would feel about it. The last time Jay had spoken to her, Hailey had told him that although she would be here for him, he needed to do this on his own. He was still getting his head around what that meant.

"I'll ask her" Jay said. He didn't want to promise something that was out of his hands. "I'll give her a call in a little bit."

* * *

When Hailey's phone rang in the early evening the day before, the shrill ringing cut through the fog of her hangover. She was just leaving the district, completely exhausted thanks to a combination of her late night drinking, both with Sylvie and alone once she'd returned home, and the hectic day on the job that, thankfully, ended with them apprehending their chief suspect in the homicide case they were working.

She paused on the sidewalk and took her phone from her pocket. She stared at the display for a few seconds when she saw who was calling, debating with herself over whether or not she should answer. She was so glad she had.

Now she stood in the hallway outside Jay's apartment, her heart thudding in her chest. She'd said yes to his request in a heartbeat, not pausing a moment to even consider declining. Her heart was aching to meet Mariella, she didn't realise until that moment how much she wanted to. She wanted nothing more than to see Jay be a father, she knew how much it had always meant to him.

When Jay opened the door, he looked happier and more relaxed that Hailey had seen him in a good long while and that made her relax. But she was well aware of what a mess she looked, the remnants of her hangover and sleepless night still hanging on even though it was dinner time.

"Hi Jay" Hailey said, getting her own greeting in first. She was nervous, and her voice wavered slightly as she spoke.

"Hi. You look like hell" Jay said, as if reading her mind, but his harsh words were accompanied by one of his charming lop-sided grins and Hailey couldn't be mad.

"Thanks" she said, deadpan.

"Sorry. I just meant… Are you okay? Are you looking after yourself?"

"Yes Jay" she said, although it wasn't the complete truth and she felt sure Jay could see right through her. "I'm fine. Now isn't the time though" she said. "This isn't about me."

 _Most things are about you, one way or another._ That was what Jay wanted to say, but instead he stepped aside to allow Hailey into his home.

"Where is Mariella?" Hailey asked. "I can't wait to meet her."

Jay's smile was so warm Hailey couldn't help but return it. "She's in the living room. She wanted to meet you too" Jay said. "We were looking through that box of photos. She found our wedding pictures."

"I'm nervous" Hailey admitted. "I don't know why."

Jay was touched by this admission. He was so grateful to Hailey for coming, so grateful she wanted to meet his daughter. After everything he'd put her through, he wouldn't blame her if she didn't want anything to do with home outside of the unit. Yet here she was, making good on her promise to be there for him if he needed it.

"Don't be nervous" Jay said, and emboldened by the occasion he took Hailey's hand and lead her through.


	8. Chapter 8

_I'm sorry it's been so long. I've never been very good at regular updates, I guess I just write when I feel the inspiration come to be. I hope you enjoy this chapter and it was worth the wait!_

 _Peace x_

 **Chapter 8**

"There's nothing to be scared about" Jay said calmly. Jay was talking to Mariella primarily, but he shot Hailey a quick glance and she knew that sentiment was aimed at her as well. She smiled timidly when she caught his eye, feeling a little foolish that she needed reassurance too.

Mariella had been sitting on the couch reading but when Jay approached and sat down next to her, she set the book aside and looked up. She watched Hailey walk into the room with large curious eyes. She wasn't a child who made snap decisions about anything or anyone, and now was no different. She took her time, calmly taking in every detail of this woman she'd seen in pictures but hadn't met in real life.

Hailey had her hands in her pockets but when she became conscious if it, she removed them and smiled. She wanted to appear open and welcoming. She found herself caring a lot about what Jay's little girl thought of her and her heart was beating fast. She was nervous despite Jay's words, but she was the adult here and she had to act as such.

"Hi Mariella" she said, hoping she sounded friendly but not over-enthusiastic. She hoped she came across as genuine. Hailey really wanted the girl to like her.

Mariella mirrored Hailey's smile. "Hello" she said. She looked across at Jay, suddenly unsure. Mariella was the one who asked for this meeting but now it was happening, she was apprehensive.

"It's alright" Jay said encouragingly, and when father and daughter shared a small smile Hailey's heart skipped a beat. Jay's expression was one of complete awe at this person that was part of him and Hailey had never seen him so happy.

"Can I get you a drink Hailey?" Jay said. Hailey realised how dry her mouth was and ask for water, but when Jay stood up and went to the kitchen, Hailey realised she was alone with Mariella and felt completely out of her depth. She'd never been very good with children, even her nieces and nephew, and tended to keep a safe distance from the little ones at family gatherings. But this wasn't any child, she was Jay's child. Hailey vowed to make an effort.

"You can sit down if you want" Mariella said.

Hailey gingerly took the spot on the couch that Jay had just vacated. The cushions were still warm. Hailey kicked herself that that was the fact she focused on, and swallowed to rid herself of her inner doubts.

"I'm so happy you wanted to meet me" Hailey said finally. "I wanted to meet you too ever since your dad told me about you."

Mariella blushed. For a few moments she didn't know what to say and Hailey could see on the little girl's face that she was trying really hard to find something to say to fill the silence.

"What are you reading?" Hailey asked. It shouldn't be down to Mariella to make conversation, but it was a struggle for Hailey too.

"Harry Potter" was the reply. "The first one." Mariella held up the book.

Hailey smiled. "And how many times have you read that now?"

Mariella turned away and smiled, embarrassed. "Four."

"It's your favourite huh?"

Mariella nodded, the smile still on her face, and Hailey relaxed. If there was one thing Hailey knew about Harry Potter it was that fans of the books could never just read them once. But as far as using the franchise as a way to get to know this girl better, Hailey was drawing a blank. That was literally the one thing Hailey knew about Harry Potter.

"I have a confession to make" Hailey said. She grimaced for dramatic effect and Mariella laughed.

"You haven't even seen the movies?" Mariella guessed.

Hailey laughed. "You've got me."

"My Dad hasn't either" Mariella said. Suddenly she sat up straight, her eyes wide with enthusiasm. "We can watch it together." She leapt off the sofa and ran to her room.

'Wow' Hailey thought, watching her go. She was surprised at how casually Mariella had used the D word. She was testing it out, Hailey thought. She couldn't imagine how strange it must be, to grow up without a father to then have one suddenly appear in your life. Hailey swallowed, images of her own father flashing through her mind. She pushed them aside, not wanting her own less-than-perfect memories to taint the moment.

Jay came back in carrying two glasses which he put down on the coffee table and Hailey smiled up at him. "Where's Mariella?"

"Her room. I think we might be watching Harry Potter…"

Hailey knew Jay well enough to know that Harry Potter was probably high on the list of movies he'd least like to be watching, but Jay had a smile on his face Hailey didn't think anything could wipe off. Hailey mirrored his grin, she couldn't help it. "She called you her Dad" Hailey said. "That's huge."

"She hasn't" he corrected. "Not yet. I mean, she's not called me Dad to my face. I'm not expecting her too, not yet. It will take time, I know it will. To be honest I still can't believe this is all real."

Hailey reached out to squeeze Jay's shoulder before she had thought about what she was doing. It was so easy sometimes to forget, to forget they weren't together any more, that Hailey no longer had the right to initiate such intimate gestures, but sometimes being with Jay still felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Her gesture didn't go unnoticed by Jay but he didn't make a comment. Hailey left her hand there for a beat longer, long enough so Jay wouldn't think she was pulling away but didn't let it linger so long that the signal might stray over some invisible line.

Mariella appeared just as Hailey took her hand away clutching a DVD case. "I found it" she said. She looked at Jay. "Can we watch this?"

"Absolutely" he said. "Can you work the machine?"

"Yes" Mariella said simply, and knelt on the rug in front of her TV to put the disk in the player.

The look Jay gave Hailey while Mariella's back was turned was one of mock dread at what he had just agreed to. It made her laugh, and dispelled any lingering awkwardness that may have remained. 'How does he do it?' Hailey thought. Jay had always known just the right thing to do or say to make her feel at ease. Her heart gave a jolt.

Mariella plonked her self down on the sofa between them and used the clicker to turn up the volume. "You have to pay attention" she instructed, completely fixated as the movie's theme music began.

Jay and Hailey shared a look over the top of her head. The look of pride on Jay's face made Hailey smile, but inside she felt a small stab in her gut. In another life, in another time, they could have had this, a child, together. But now they never could.

Jay turned back to face the screen but Hailey's gaze lingered on him longer. She had never seen him looking more peaceful.

* * *

"Thanks for coming, Hailey." Jay pulled the door to as they stepped out into the hallway.

"It was my pleasure" Hailey said, and she truly meant it.

"I thought it might be weird" Jay continued. "But it wasn't, was it? I think Mariella misses having people around her, you know. She met Will and Nat and the kids, and Sylvie and Chrissy. But compared to all the people she had in Phoenix…" Jay's words trailed away. Hailey could only imagine what was going through his mind. Guilt for taking her away from the only place she'd ever lived, perhaps. But it wasn't long before Jay recovered. "I don't want her to only have me."

Hailey saw the mild panic on Jay's face. She'd known him a long time, long enough to notice even the subtlest of signs of distress and Hailey touched his arm to steady him. "It's a lot" she said. "For you too. You need to take care of yourself."

Jay knew exactly what Hailey meant by that statement, she didn't have to spell it out.

"Have you been to a meeting since Mariella came to Chicago?" Jay looked away and Hailey sighed deeply. "Jay, come on. You know it's important, even when things are going well. You have to do the work, it's more important than ever that you do the work."

"I know, I know" Jay replied and forced himself to look Hailey in the eye, "but I can hardly take her along to a meeting, can I? And I don't want to leave her with someone else, not yet."

Hailey nodded. She understood it was difficult, but that's why Jay needed all the support he could get, be that from his brother, the Intelligence unit or AA. "An hour. That's all it would take. Natalie could watch her." She swallowed. "I could watch her."

"You'd do that?"

"Of course. I'm here for you Jay, for both of you."

They hugged goodbye. It felt good, it felt natural, and Hailey carried the memory and the warmth of Jay's arms around her all the way to her car, but when she climbed into the driver's seat and closed the door, when she was finally alone, she allowed herself to feel the pain she had been trying to force down and ignore all evening. Every word she said to Jay and Mariella tonight was true. She was happy for them, she did enjoy their company and she would be there for them whatever they needed, no questions. But the guilt Hailey felt for lying to Jay and the constant feeling of loss for something she never had was an ever-present dull ache inside her belly that she would just have to learn to live with.

She wished she could take her own advice, to let her feelings out and get support. But who could she turn to? She wasn't someone who had a lost of close friends, and her family were not the kind of family to really talk about their feelings. No, there was only one person she'd ever had that kind of bond with and it was the one person she couldn't talk to. Instead, Hailey pushed her feelings back down and tried to get it together. Crying wouldn't change anything and she was pretty sure it wouldn't make her feel any better. By the time Hailey had got two blocks from Jay's apartment on her way home, she was back to her usual outwardly composed self.

* * *

Mariella was quiet over breakfast the next morning and Jay was at a loss as to what to say. In hindsight he should have realised that meeting and hanging out with Hailey would affect his sensitive little girl in ways he couldn't conceive of, but he just hadn't. She was the one who had wanted to meet Hailey, and he had been so thrown by that, and then worried about how they would get along that he hadn't stopped to really consider what the after affects would be.

"You're quiet this morning" Jay said cautiously as he took a sip of coffee. He hoped he didn't sound accusatory or pushy. "What's on your mind?"

Mariella looked up from her cereal and shrugged.

"Is it last night?" Jay tried to coax her to open up gently, he felt it was important to talk. He knew from experience what a slippery slope you could start sliding down if you began to hide your feelings.

"Hailey's really nice" Mariella said, but didn't say any more even though Jay could tell there was more she wasn't saying.

"But it was a little weird?" Jay ventured. It was, he had to admit it. They'd had a lovely evening, the three of the, Jay wouldn't deny that, but Jay felt like he was on edge the entire time, waiting for something to happen. What, he didn't know, but something.

Mariella was still quiet. Jay pulled out the kitchen chair next to her and sat down. "It's okay if you feel it was weird, it's ok to feel whatever you want. There's no right or wrong way to feel, I promise. I don't want you to ever think you have to hide your feelings from me."

Mariella turned and their eyes met. Mariella looked unsure, like she wanted to believe what he had just said but hesitant, in case it was some kind of trap. Jay only nodded, trying to reaffirm his words.

"Can I call Aunt Marie please?"

Of all the things Jay thought Mariella might say, that was not one of them. He tried to connect the dots, tried to figure out what had prompted that question, but he drew a blank. He was beginning to realise Mariella's mind worked in deeper, more thoughtful ways than his ever would. He nodded slowly, wanting to please Mariella but unsure if it was a good idea.

"I'll tell you what, I'll send her a message to find out when she's free okay? She might be working at the hospital right now but I'll ask her what time we can call."

"Okay" Mariella said, but she sounded disappointed and she frowne0d slightly in thought. She slid of the chair and carried her bowl to the sink. The thought struck Jay that she didn't believe he would message Marie Vega.

"Mariella?"

When she turned around, Jay was pulling his phone from his pants pocket and he beckoned her over. Mariella stood by his chair and watched as he typed out the simple message to her aunt.

' _Good morning, I hope everything it ok with you. Mariella would like to call you today but I thought I should check first what time is good for you. Let me know and we will arrange something. Jay'_

"Is that alright?" Jay asked. Mariella nodded. "Do you want to hit send?" Mariella did so, and Jay could sense already she was a little more at ease. "I'll tell you when she replies. Now go and clean your teeth and get your shoes on. We have to go get some groceries."

* * *

Jay paused as he put a bag of granola into the shopping cart and watched Mariella. She wasn't doing much, she was simply standing still with one hand holding the edge of the cart and the other in the pocket of her coat. Her eyes were unfocused and she stared out, not focussing on anything at all.

He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her and get her to tell him what was wrong. But he didn't feel he should or could, not yet. Their bond was still fragile, and the words the social workers had told him were still at the front and centre of his thoughts. To go slow, to let Mariella tell him when she was ready for that kind of intimacy. But it was clear his daughter was troubled and it hurt Jay that he didn't know what the matter was or what he could do to fix it.

"Mariella?" It was a second before the blinked and turned to Jay, focussing on him expectantly. "What cereal would you like?"

Mariella took a box of Cocoa Puffs from the shelf and added it to the cart. "Has Aunt Marie messaged you yet?" she asked.

Jay knew she hadn't, he would have felt his phone vibrate in his pocket if she had, but he took it out to check any way for Mariella's benefit, so she knew he wasn't lying. "Not yet. But it's only been an hour. Maybe she's sleeping, or maybe she's really busy at work."

He knew Mariella knew these things. She'd lived with her great aunt for most of her life after all, she knew she worked unusual shift patterns and sometimes slept during the day, but Jay watched her shoulders slump in disappointment anyway.

He took a deep breath, deciding distraction might work. "I thought we could make tacos for dinner tonight" he said.

A flicker of a smile flashed across Mariella's face. "I like tacos" she said. "Aunt Marie draws smiley faces on the outside of the shells for me with salsa and doesn't even care if I made a mess."

Jay wasn't sure how to react to that. It was a memory he could never share, and one he didn't want to intrude upon. He felt happy that she shared this little nugget of information with him about her old life. "Alright" was all he said, trying his best to be cheerful. "Lets go and find the ingredients we need."

At the checkout, Mariella packed their groceries into bags and Jay lifted them into the cart. It was a little thing, but they were working as a team and it made Jay smile. The cashier finished scanning everything and Jay pulled out his wallet to pay. "Shoot" he said. "I forgot toilet paper." He flashed an apologetic glance at the girl at the register then turned to Mariella. "Stay with the cart, I'll be right back okay?"

She nodded. She seemed less troubled than she had been early in the morning. Jay didn't know why, but he wasn't going to over think it. He had to trust that when she was ready Mariella would confide in him. He jogged to the aisle he needed and picked up a large bag of toilet paper. As he turned to hurry back to the front of the store, he felt his phone vibrate.

' _Hi Jay. I'm sorry I missed your message earlier, I've just come off a busy night shift. Let me get home and get a couple of hours of sleep then I'll call. Is 1pm okay?'_

He sent off a quick message to say that yes, that was fine, and returned to where he'd left Mariella and their shopping. A small queue had formed behind them in his absence and he apologised to the older gentlemen who was next in line. He paid in a hurry and they made their way back outside into the cold parking lot.

"Guess what?" Jay said when they had loaded the trunk of the car and were sitting in the front with the heaters on, happy to be back in the warmth of the car. He handed Mariella his phone and watched as a smile spread across her face. "I told you" he said, and was rewarded when she directed her smile at him.

Jay couldn't help but smile back. His little girl's smile was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He could look at it all day. But it was cold and he had other errands to run, and he wanted to be home before Marie called. He took his phone back and stuffed it back into his jacket pocket. "Buckle up" he said, and turned the key in the ignition.

"Oh no. Look." As Mariella turned to grab her seatbelt, she looked out of the window back towards the store and exclaimed with a mixture of shock and distress. Jay followed her glance and saw what she saw. Mariella turned to Jay, a look of alarm on her face. "Dad, do something."

A man had snatched a woman's purse as she walked out of the store and she shrieked in surprise. The man was bolting as fast as he could away from the store and through the carpark towards them. Jay found it very hard to ignore his cop instincts, especially when his daughter was pleading with him to help.

"Stay in the car" he said firmly. "Promise." Mariella nodded and Jay threw open the door, setting off in hot pursuit of the thief.

* * *

"…And then he caught the guy and tackled him to the ground. It was so cool! The police came and arrested the man and the lady got her purse back."

Mariella was sitting at the kitchen table with Jay's phone propped up against a cereal box in front of her. Jay wanted to give her some privacy while she facetimed Marie, he was on the couch in the other room flicking through cable channels. She could hear every word of Mariella enthusiastically recounting the excitement of their shopping trip and smiled to himself. The grazes and bruises he'd received from his brief scuffle with her perp were well worth it.

Mariella had called him Dad. It just slipped out, he didn't even think she noticed she'd done it, but Jay held that little gift close to him like it was a precious diamond. He wanted to share his joy with Hailey, and for the first time in a long time he didn't feel strange about that. The night before felt like a breakthrough. Being together but not alone, watching a movie with Mariella between then felt easy. It scared Jay how right it felt. He would never say that to Hailey of course, it wouldn't be fair, but he knew now they could be comfortable in each other's company outside of work again. That was enough.

"I have to go now sweetie" Jay hear Marie's voice come through the phone. "It was so great to see your face."

Jay took that as his cue and stood up, walking slowly back into the kitchen.

"Okay." Mariella sounded disappointed. Her excitement of telling her aunt about what had happened had gone.

"I love you so much."

"I love you."

Mariella ended the call and stared at the blank screen. Jay reached for his phone and gently crouched down by her chair. "Was that alright?" he asked. "I bet she was happy to see you."

Mariella nodded. "Can I go play in my room please?"

Jay sighed. She still wasn't ready to talk to him. It was okay, it had to be, he wouldn't push her, but he couldn't help wishing he had her trust. It would take time, he knew that. "Of course you can" he said, and Mariella slip of the chair and left the kitchen.

"I hear you were a bit of a superman earlier."

Jay answered his phone and Hailey started with the teasing before she'd even said hello. It felt like it used to, when they could just leap into a conversation without any lead up and be on the same page immediately.

"Yeah" he said, "I got elbowed in the ribs for my trouble."

"You know, if you miss catching bad guys so much you can just come back to work. We miss you around here."

Jay heard another voice in the background and Hailey quickly telling whoever it was to shut it. Jay laughed. He kind of missed the guys at work too. "Who was that?" he asked.

"Mac. He says he has a pile of paperwork he's saving for you."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Tell him what he can do with that paperwork."

When Hailey spoke again it was quieter. Jay pictured her standing up from her desk and walking into the corridor to be alone. "So" she said. "What happened? Are you alright? I ran into Davis and Lark in lock up and heard their side of the tale."

"Wow, news really does travel fast. I'm fine" Jay said, touched she was concerned. "Some idiot tried to snatch a woman's purse. He picked the wrong place and the wrong time, that's for sure. I don't think he was expecting to run head first into a cop, he looked terrified. Mariella was the one who saw it happening actually. I thought she'd be scared but she wasn't at all. She even helped comfort the poor woman until uniform arrived, she was pretty shaken up."

"Have you got a little budding detective on your hands?"

"I hope not." He paused, suddenly unsure whether it was a good idea to share with Hailey what he had been so keen to tell her earlier. What if he was reading too much into it? What if it was a mistake? But it had made him so happy he couldn't help it. He lowered his voice so Mariella wouldn't be able to hear him through her bedroom door. "She called me Dad, Hailey. I don't think she meant to or even realised but it was such a great feeling."

Jay was rambling. He couldn't help it. He was excited and he wasn't going to pretend otherwise, certainly not with Hailey.

"Wow Jay. That's huge."

"We'll see. I hope so, I hope it means something to her too, even if she doesn't know it yet."

* * *

Jay knocked on Mariella's door later that evening and found her already in her pyjamas, tucked up in bed with a book. Jay sat down on the end of her bed.

"I came to say goodnight. I hope you're ok after what happened today at the store. Did it frighten you?"

Mariella shook her head. "No. I felt sad though. That bad things happen like that. But we helped that lady and that was good."

"You were awesome. You saw what happened so I could go after the guy, and you looked after the lady when she was scared. I'm proud of you."

Jay patted the mattress once before standing up. He wanted to give Mariella a kiss goodnight but it felt like her would be overstepping. "Good night" he said instead and offered Mariella a loving smile instead.

Jay was at the door when she spoke, his hand hovering over the light switch.

"Last night felt funny. It made me upset."

Jay turned back around. Mariella had pulled the covers up over her face with her eyes peering over the top.

"Upset?"

"I used to watch Harry Potter with Mommy."

"And last night made you miss her?" Mariella nodded and tears welled up in her eyes. Jay sat back down on the bed but closer to Mariella this time. He reached over to rub her shoulder through the thick duvet. "It's okay to miss your Mom. You love her and she's gone and it's really sad." Jay watched as Mariella wiped her eyes with the corner of the duvet. "Did talking to Aunt Marie help?"

"A little."

The two of them sat in silence for a minute. Jay wanted to see if Mariella would share more but she had clammed up again and retreated back into her sadness. When it was clear that was all she felt ready to say Jay spoke.

"Thank you for sharing that with me" he said. He felt a warmth in his chest and his mind flashed back to words he'd exchanged with Hailey on the phone earlier. Before they'd said goodbye their conversation had circled back around to Jay's bust in the parking lot and Mariella's pleasure that he'd managed to do some good.

" _It sounds like you're somebody's biggest hero today"_ Hailey had said, but Jay had completely failed to grasp her meaning.

" _Yeah, she was pretty pleased to have her bag back."_

Hailey waited a beat before replying and Jay could have sworn he actually _heard_ her smiling.

" _I didn't mean her, Jay. I meant Mariella."_

Hailey always had a way of seeing the truth of things and perhaps this was a sign. Jay wanted to believe that was the truth.

"Time to go to sleep" Jay said, and Mariella burrowed down into her covers. Her eyes were already drifting closed and Jay watched her, his heart full. Then he did something he'd been dying to do ever since he first met his daughter. He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.

"Sweet dreams."


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm the worst, I know it. I can only apologise for the epic delay since I last updated and hope that someone somewhere still cares! I won't make any promises about when another update might come but I hope it will be soon. Enjoy, and thank you for reading._

 **Chapter 9**

Jay had seen the inside of more community centres and church back rooms than he cared to count, but it was all in the name of continuing on his path to lasting sobriety and he was determined to stay on the wagon. Hailey's advice to keep doing the work even when his life was going well rang in his hears. Jay took his seat in the circle and nodded his greeting to the members of the group he recognised, all the while going over and over his mantra in his mind. _Do the work. For Mariella_.

To begin with he'd found these intimate group sessions more intimidating than standing up in front of a hall full of people, but over time he'd grown to see the benefit of sharing with a smaller group. Speaking to the same people for the most part from one week to the next, not having to share his back story each time made it easier to move forward. Jay knew that reliving the sordid details of how he ended up in this situation again and again wouldn't do him any good. What he needed was to work through his feelings now in a safe space with others who could relate to what he was going through.

Once all twelve chairs were occupied Jerome, an older gentleman in his sixties and a veteran of the program with over 20 years of sobriety behind him, began the meeting. Jay scanned the group and spotted one face he was unfamiliar with. A small woman sat nervously with her hands fidgeting in her lap. She was in her early thirties Jay would guess, with her long dark hair in a braid that fell over her shoulder. She was tense, and her eyes darted around the room. Jay offered her a small smile when she caught his eye, he hoped it would come over as reassuring, and it worked because she smiled timidly back.

"Jay, would you like to go first?"

Jay looked aware from the newcomer when he heard Jerome say his name. He shifted in his seat. Just because this was easier than speaking to a larger group didn't mean it was easy. "Yeah, okay" he said and took a deep breath.

"Things are good at the moment" he began. "But I don't want to take that for granted so I'm still here." Jerome nodded encouragingly. "My daughter's settling in, we're bonding slowly and she seems comfortable. I still have no idea what I'm doing though." From the chuckles that came from a few members of the circle he could guess who among them were parents too. "It's all still new, in a honeymoon period you could say. Pretty soon she will start school and I'll go back to work and I guess I'm anxious about what might change. On some level it still feels like a dream. I keep imagining that the social workers will turn up at my door one day and say they made a mistake and take her away again." Jay looked at the floor, embarrassed. "Now I've said it out loud I can hear how stupid it sounds. I'm just anxious, I want to do this parenting thing right."

Jay stopped and Jerome nodded thoughtfully. "Why are you anxious?" the older man asked, gently trying to draw more out of Jay.

Jay looked around at the faces of the people listening intently to him speak, trusting that he would do them the same courtesy when it was their turn. "Since she got to Chicago we've spent all day every day together. This morning is the longest I've been away from her actually. Somebody I trust is looking after her, it's not that I don't think she's safe, but there's still so much I don't know about her, I wonder how all this change is affecting her deep down."

"Welcome to parenthood." Dan, sitting a few seats over to Jay's right flashed him a knowing smile and Jay relaxed. "I've been a father for 15 years now and I still have no idea what my son is thinking."

"Yeah, I guess. But I've never had to consider another person's feelings in quite the same way before." Another pang of guilt hit Jay, guilt that Hailey wasn't enough. He'd loved her, god he still did, but it wasn't the same.

He continued. "I feel everything so much more than I used to. Second guessing everything I do, every decision I make, it's stressful." He took a deep breath. "I was managing my pain and my cravings, I felt as though I could deal with what I was feeling day to day without resorting to pills, but now everything's heightened. What if it all becomes too much?" Jay shook his head, mostly to shake those thoughts from his mind. "It can't happen" Jay said resolutely. "I'm all she has."

Jay finished, and looked up again, locking eyes with Jerome, waiting for him to speak. The man had soft, gentle eyes, and when he gave a small smile Jay felt calm. "This is great, Jay" he finally said. "I mean it. I can see how hard you're working, the amount you've come along since you first joined us is great. Keep moving in the direction you're going."

Jay nodded. He knew how much he'd grown but he wasn't foolish enough to think he had it all figured out. And one thing still niggled at him. "I've been struggling with how much to tell my daughter about my addiction. She's just beginning to trust me, I don't want to undo any of that by lying to her. But she's only nine, she's just a kid. A really smart and perceptive kid, but still just a kid. She's already had so much to deal with, I don't want to pile more on. But I made a promise that I would always tell her the truth. I think it's time. I just need some courage."

Jay glanced at the newcomer again and saw that she seemed a lot calmer and sat up a little straighter, as though she'd found her own courage just from listening to Jay voice his worries. If nothing else came from this meeting, Jay thought, he felt good knowing that maybe he'd helped someone else.

"You know only you can find that courage" Jerome said. "It's in you, you juts have to draw it out."

* * *

After the meeting was over, Jay was itching to get back to Mariella, but skipping out on the post-sharing coffee and doughnuts was bad form. He wanted to tell Mariella about his addiction, he had to. He suspected that she'd already worked some of it out, although Jay couldn't think how. She seemed to see things that no one else did, and was so attuned to other people's emotions. Not sharing might be causing her more anxiety than knowing the truth would. There was only one way to find out.

Jay stood by the coffee table wondering how long he had to stay to not appear rude, when the woman who had only appeared today approached him, a shy smile on her face. She held out her hand to him.

"I'm Rosa" she said, holding out her hand to Jay. "What you had to say today, it was amazing."

Jay blushed. He took her hand. "It's nice to meet you. I don't know about that. Sometimes it feels like I'm just spouting my feelings with no coherent thought behind them. It helps though. I know I won't be judged here."

Rosa smiled. "No, it was great. I still find it so difficult to tell anyone else the truth about what I'm feeling. I didn't feel quite ready to share today."

"It's alright. It took me weeks before I opened my mouth. Maybe next time."

"I hope so."

Jay smiled. He felt sure she would be back and hoped nothing he'd done or said would put her off. They stood in silence for a few moments, slightly awkwardly, before Jay took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I don't want to be rude, but I have to get going."

Rosa nodded. "Back to your daughter right? I understand."

Just the thought of seeing Mariella again soon made Jay's face light up and a beaming smile cross his face. "Yeah. My sister-in-law took her shopping for the apartment. Goodness knows what my home will look like once those two have finished decorating."

Rosa smiled but there was a sadness Jay saw in her eyes that made him regret sharing his happiness. Whatever was on Rosa's mind he didn't want to pry. If she came back, if she shared, he would learn her story. Now wasn't the time. "Of course, I won't keep you."

"Thank you" Jay said. "I'll see you next time." Jay put his empty coffee cup in the trash and zipped up his jacket.

"Yes" Rosa said. "For sure."

* * *

Jay turned his key in the front door of his apartment wondering if he would live to regret asking Natalie to take Mariella to Home Depot to brighten up the apartment. He had visions of floral drapes and fluffy pink throw pillows everywhere and he'd be lying if he said that thought thrilled him. But if it made Mariella happy, he didn't really care.

The lock clicked open and he began to push open the door but hear frantic foot steps padding down the hallway and someone press up against the door to stop him opening it all the way.

"We're not finished!" Mariella said. "You have to close your eyes."

Jay laughed. Hearing the excitement in Mariella's voice made him realise that actually he truly didn't care if his living room had been turned into the interior of a fairy princess castle, as long as Mariella liked it. But she didn't really seem like the fairy princess type, and Jay had faith in Nat's taste. "I promise" Jay said. "Can I come in?"

Jay felt the door give and he walked inside with his eyes closed. He turned his back to the room to remove his jacket and boots. "Natalie took me shopping" Mariella said, and even though Jay couldn't see her he could tell she was smiling. "The living room looks so good. No peaking!"

Mariella took Jay's hand and led him down the hallway. Jay tried not to laugh.

"Stop" Mariella said, and let go of Jay's hand. "Ok, we're done. You can look now."

Natalie was standing by the window with a grin on her face. Jay hadn't seen Mariella this way. Until now she'd been largely quiet and shy, only coming out of her shell for brief moments, playing with her cousins, or with Chrissy Dawson in the park with her friends. Seeing Mariella so at ease and excited in her own home, that was special. His daughter's happy face was what Jay saw when he opened it eyes, more than any of the rugs, cushions, lamps or pictures that now adorned his living room.

"Do you like it?" Mariella asked.

Jay blinked. "It looks great" Jay said, not knowing or caring at what décor he was approving when he said the words. But he looked around the room and had to admit Natalie had done a good job. Judging by how beautiful her own home was he knew she would, he wouldn't have asked her to do this if he didn't. He silently nodded his thanks to Natalie and she winked in return.

It wasn't floral or girly, but Jay had to admit it was cosier. Homelier. Blue and green marble patterned drapes hung where previously steel grey ones had been. There were matching cushions on the couch, as well as various other assorted patterned throws and cushions all in keeping with the colour scheme. Two lamps on the side tables bled a soft warm glow into the room despite the daylight hour. A stock print of a mountain scene hung above the TV. Jay took it all in, impressed.

"This is my favourite part" Mariella said, scampering over to the couch and picking up a sequined cushion. "Look, you stroke it one way and it's black and the other way its green." She demonstrated with a grin on her face and Jay finally let his laugh escape.

"You've had a good morning then?"

Mariella nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. I had so much fun." But then she paused, and Jay saw apprehension cloud her features once more. "I hope we didn't get too much stuff. I don't think it was too expensive." She glanced at Natalie for reassurance.

Jay put his hands on her shoulders. "Don't worry about that" he said, feeling guilty again that money worries were so hardwired into her little brain. "The important thing is this place looks awesome. Good job." Jay gave Mariella's shoulders a gentle reassuring squeeze. "I'll be right back" he said, I just have to talk to Natalie okay?"

In the kitchen, out of earshot, Jay gave Natalie a peck on the cheek. "Thank you so much for doing this" he said, "I want her to feel at home here. It is her home, not just mine, now it feels more like it. How much do I owe you for all this?"

Natalie waved her hand at him dismissively. "Please, don't worry about it. It's my treat."

"Are you sure?"

Natalie looked at him in a way that left no room for argument. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Thank you."

"You're more than welcome" Natalie said. "I had a great day too. I can't get over what a wonderful little girl she is. She's been through so much but she seems to take everything in her stride."

Jay looked back towards the living room but Mariella was out of sight putting some of her books on the shelf in the corner. She was humming to herself. "It amazes me. She has her moments of anxiety but I'm just taking each day as it comes."

"About that…"

Jay looked back towards Natalie, questioningly.

"She asked me some questions today. I side stepped as best as I could. I didn't feel it was my place to answer her, I thought should leave it to you."

"What did she ask?"

"Mostly where you were going, and why she couldn't go with you. She didn't seem angry or upset, but there was something there. She was worried, I think."

Jay's heart sank. He knew she would have noticed something was off, she was too observant not to. He nodded slowly. "I've been wondering for a while whether I should tell her the truth about my addiction. I want to, but I don't know how she'll react."

"What does your instinct tell you?" Natalie asked.

"That telling the truth is what's best."

Natalie squeezed his arm. "There you go then. You've always had great instincts, Jay. As a cop and as a father. I know you've not had her for very long but from what I've seen you've got to know her pretty well. I think you are the best person to decide if it's the right time to talk to her about this."

"I think I will" he said quietly. He was still unsure but would find the courage.

"Will you be ok? I'm sorry to duck out so quickly but I have to go and pick Elizabeth up from day care." Natalie picked her purse up off the kitchen table.

"Are you leaving?" Mariella darted out from her hiding place.

"Yeah, I have to go collect Lizzie."

"Thank you for taking me shopping" Mariella said.

"Of course. Hey, maybe we can redecorate your Dad's room next."

Jay held his hands up defensively and shook his head. "No, my room is just fine the way it is thank you."

Both girls laughed. It was a great sound. For a long time his apartment had only known pain and misery and the lack of home comforts reflected that. It had never really felt like home to Jay. But things were changing for the better. Jay hoped the next ten minutes wouldn't ruin things.

"I'm sorry, I really have to go." Natalie gave Mariella a quick hug. She gave Jay one last reassuring nod of the head and closed the apartment door gently on her way out. Mariella turned to go back to her books.

"Mariella, come here a second." Mariella turned and looked uncertain. Soon there would be no going back but Jay realised that he didn't want to. "There's nothing to worry about, but I have something quite important to talk to tell you."

Mariella sat down on the couch and hugged the sequined cushion to her chest. Jay couldn't look at her when he sat down beside her, not at first. With caution, he ploughed on with his confession.

"Natalie told me you asked her some questions today. About where I was?" Jay hoped she wouldn't feel like her confidence had been betrayed. Jay wanted Mariella to trust him and the other new adults in her life, but she didn't look hurt when Jay snuck a look over at her. Only a little guilty, like it was none of her business to know. But it was her business. She deserved the truth.

"I did" she replied quietly. "Was it something to do with my social worker? Do I have to go back?"

Jay heaved a sigh. So that's why she was worried. He turned his whole body to face Mariella with an urgency that surprised them both. "No, nothing like that. I promise. It had to go to a meeting. For me." He swallowed. "Do you know what narcotics anonymous is?"

Mariella's brow furrowed as she considered then slowly shook her head. "I've heard of alcoholics anonymous. Is it kind of like that?"

"Yes, kind of. But it's for people who are addicted to drugs instead." Jay was quiet then, letting this information sink in. But he couldn't bare the silence and a wave of panic shot through him. "Like me. I go to meetings to talk to other people with the same problem and we help each other to not take drugs anymore."

As Jay saw the confusion, uncertainty and worry cross Mariella's face he hated himself that he was adding more problems to her life. He wanted to protect her from all that, but also knew from experience that family secrets did more harm than good in the long run. Ripping off the band aid was the way he decided to deal with this particular problem. It was too late to change his mind. He shuffled a little closer to Mariella along the sofa. "I know that's a lot of information. You can ask me anything, I won't be mad."

Mariella twisted her mouth as she thought of what to say. "But drugs are illegal aren't they? And you're a cop. Didn't you get in trouble?"

 _A whole world of trouble,_ Jay thought. But he knew that's not what Mariella meant. "Some drugs are illegal, it's true. But there are all different kinds of drugs. You see, I got hurt pretty bad around two years ago. The doctors gave me some pills to help with the pain but then I couldn't stop taking them even though I didn't need them anymore."

"Why?"

God, if Jay knew the answer to that his life would be a hell of a lot easier. He honestly didn't know how to answer in an appropriate way but couldn't leave the question hanging. "That's a complicated question" Jay said. "I'm still trying to find the answer myself."

"What happened when you got hurt? Are you ok now?"

Jay put his arm around Mariella and she leaned into his side. It was such a simple, casual action Jay didn't think twice about but it was huge in the scheme of things. He tried to stay relaxed and keep his breathing even, not wanting to ruin the moment. But he was trying to find a truthful way to avoid sharing the whole distressing, ugly truth with his nine-year-old child. "I got hurt at work, I damaged my shoulder and needed some operations. But it's healed now." That was true. It had healed. He wasn't about to lie and tell her it didn't hurt any more but logically he knew it had healed. He had a doctor's letter to prove it.

They say quietly for a while. Jay let Mariella process what he'd said in her own time. He didn't want to push her, and he didn't want to patronise her by pretending everything was fixed now. He was getting there, but he was a long way off being truly ok, if he ever would be.

Mariella spoke, but too quietly for Jay to hear. "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't hear you" he said, and her little face turned up to look at him.

"Is that why you and Hailey broke up?"

Jay should have expected this question, but of all the things he thought Mariella might ask him, this wasn't it. What his addiction had done to Hailey, that's what he regretted the most. It was still painful to think about and he tried not to let it show.

"Yes. It was all my fault. I hurt her badly, I wasn't honest with her." Jay let out a long steadying breath, not wanting to get emotional. "That's a big part of why I'm telling you. I don't want to make the same mistake again." He hugged Mariella a little tighter, silently reassuring her that he wouldn't leave her the way he'd left Hailey. He wondered how much she really understood, hoping on some level that she would never understand how painful and difficult that part of Jay's life was. He smiled down at her and searched her face for a clue about what she was thinking.

"Okay" was all she said. What else was there to say. After a moment, she turned to him again but her expression was lighter. "Can we go to Owen's soccer game later?"

Mariella had filed all that information away somewhere, Jay knew he'd face more questions from his curious little girl at a later date but he was somewhat relieved that the hardest part was over and had gone as well as he could have hoped. "Absolutely. I'll text Nat and get the address."

Mariella smiled. "Chrissy will be there, her brothers are on the same team. And Aunt Nat said there's a girl on their team too, maybe I could join. That would be so cool."

And just like that Mariella moved onto something else, excitedly talking about seeing her friend and the possibility of playing her favourite sport again. Jay was only half listening, he was more focused on the feeling of his daughter curled at his side and talking eagerly about her future in Chicago. Jay closed his eyes and felt like crying, but the tears that formed behind his eyelids were not of pain and fear he'd felt for the longest time, they were tears of relief. Relief and happiness.


End file.
